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eve11Parts One and Two
We've got MASHEO Movie Sign! Part 3
[We are again in the control room of the S.O.L.. MIKE walks by, engrossed in a magazine of some sort. He has a cup of coffee in one hand. Suddenly, MIKE hears a piercing shriek, like the noise Mulder heard in his head in the episode. MIKE drops the coffee and grabs his ears.]
MIKE: Aaaa!
[The shrieking stops. MIKE releases his hold on his ears, but as soon as he does, another shriek starts up. MIKE covers his ears again. The shrieking quiets, and now we hear a bunch of hollow voices gibbering throughout the cabin.]
MIKE (confused, in pain): What the . . . ?
[The shrieking stops, but the hollow murmuring continues. Suddenly, CROW walks in. CROW has a welder's mask on (one of those heavy duty flip-up face shields with a narrow pyrex slat to see), and his voice is muffled from behind the mask.]
CROW: Hi Mike!
MIKE: Crow, what's going on!?
CROW: I'm just messing around with this nifty metal sander that Gypsy contracted for hull repairs! Check this out!
[CROW disappears for a moment, and suddenly the high pitched shriek echoes through the cabin yet again. MIKE grabs his ears, looking around frantically as if he needs to escape. We also see some sparks coming from to the right of the camera. CROW returns, and we pan over to a twisted hunk of metal. Throughout this, the hollow voices are still persistent, so CROW has to shout to be heard.]
CROW: It's going to be called "Bird in Flight!" If it worked for Marcel Duchamp, it should make me rich! Of course, this is just a first draft -- I'll probably have to make hundreds!
MIKE: Wait, Crow . . .!
[CROW disappears, and the shrieking starts up again, full force. MIKE groans. Now the hollow voices get louder too. Suddenly, TOM SERVO appears in the cabin]
TOM: Hey Mike, guess what!
MIKE: Oh, no . . .
TOM: The nanites and I have been sending out low level messages for a while, looking for extra-terrestrial intelligence, and now we've got a reply! They're flooding our communications with echoes of our own radio transmissions from the last five hundred years!
[MIKE covers his ears, seemingly the only one affected by this awful, distracting racket.]
MIKE (bewildered): Servo . . . ?!
TOM (noticing Mike's discomfort for the first time): What's wrong with you?
MIKE (grimacing, realizes he's not going to win this fight): Nothing . . .
[The red light flashes, and we switch to PEARL's evil mansion. BRIANNA is at the monitor, still taking notes. JANE DOE #4 is next to her.]
JANE (noting Mike's discomfort): I'm kinda new here. What's with him?
BRIANNA: According to my notes, he should be reaching the end of MASHEO infancy about now. This stage is punctuated by a lack of concentration and understanding, often times paired with physical discomfort . . .
MIKE: Nothing! Just noise . . . (grimaces again) . . . that's all . . .
BRIANNA: . . . culminating in a stark realization of the nature of life itself.
JANE (points to screen): Look!
[The noise intensifies, and MIKE clamps his hands over his ears.]
MIKE: . . . this . . . this is all insane!
BRIANNA (jots some notes): Oooh, this is a good sign!
MIKE: . . . Am I the only one who notices this?
JANE: I think he's coming around!
[MIKE gives a little whimper, as if holding back. Then. . . ]
MIKE: Augh! I can't take it anymore! What's wrong with you robots!? What's wrong with all of you? All of you . . . ALL OF YOU ARE MAD AND STUPID!!!
BRIANNA and JANE: Yes!
[Suddenly, the hollow voices die off.]
TOM: Oh no, the ET's just picked up broadcasts of "Baywatch Nights!" They're giving up on any intelligent life! (rushes away) No, wait!!
MIKE (realizing the voices are gone): I . . . I feel a little better!
JANE: Of course you do!
MIKE (still grimacing from the shrieking): You . . . you are all mad and stupid, aren't you?
BRIANNA: Of course we are!
[We hear an off camera voice.]
GYPSY (off camera): Hey! That's my metal sander!
[We hear a bit of a ruckus, as CROW forges a futile argument of "wait, no, Gypsy . . .!" Then suddenly, the shrieking stops.]
MIKE (smiles with new understanding): Much better!
BRIANNA: It's a necessary transformation, Mike. At MASHEO, we discovered that Agent Scully underwent it quite a while ago. And from the looks of "Biogenesis" so far, Mulder is progressing well toward our ultimate goal.
MIKE: Goal?
JANE: MASHEO season seven! Believe in the Hate. (gives an evil laugh.)
[At JANE's words, there is a lightning flash, and then thunder rumbles ominously, creating a dark mood. Then Mary P. walks by, headed for the back door.]
MARY P.: Okay, get the kids out of the pool . . .
[On the S.O.L. the klaxons start up again, and chaos resumes]
MIKE: Oh no, we got Movie Siiiiign!
[MIKE and 'BOTs take their seats]
[SOUTHWESTERN GENERAL HOSPITAL GALLUP, NEW MEXICO, appears on the screen.]
TOM: General hospital, nothing specific.
MIKE: Alive or dead, that's about all they do.
[SCULLY enters the hospital just in time to see Albert Hosteen being wheeled down the hall.]
CROW: (makes 'vrrrrm'-ing noise as the bed goes past)
[SCULLY continues on to Hosteen's empty room, entering and finding a copy of the rubbing on the table next to where the bed used to be. On the back is a handwritten copy of Genesis 1:28.]
MIKE (reading): hmmm, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull alien, All work and no . . ." huh?
[A NURSE enters the room.]
NURSE: Is there something you're looking for?
SCULLY: Yes, I was looking to speak to Mr. Hosteen.
NURSE: Mr. Hosteen cannot accept any visitors at this time.
TOM (Nurse, mechanically - like a recording): Press "one" to hear a list of your options.
SCULLY: Yes, I understand, I saw him wheeled out of here in an emergency, can you tell me what's wrong with him?
NURSE: I'm not allowed to give out that kind of information.
TOM (exact intonation as before): Press "one" to hear a list of your options.
SCULLY: I, uh, I know him, he's helped me in the past, (shows her badge) I'm sure that he wouldn't mind you telling me.
NURSE: Albert has cancer. He's suffering from its effects. He's dying.
TOM (Nurse): Press "two" to hear this message again.
[Cut to AMERICAN UNIVERSITY 4:58 PM]
[In a crowded hallway, we see dozens of students hurrying to class, with DR BARNES shuffling through the mob.]
MIKE: Now back to "Saved by the Bell: The College Years."
TOM: I think I'd rather watch that, actually.
[After DR BARNES is gone, we notice that one of the students whose back was to us is actually MULDER dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and black pullover sweater, as he turns around and heads into DR BARNES' office. MULDER walks past and the camera pans past a red sign that says "danger."]
MIKE (noting sign): Oh no, it looks like he's walking into danger!
TOM (as Mulder passes sign): Nope, it's okay. Now he's past the danger.
[Inside the office, MULDER checks everywhere; shelves, boxes, drawers, desks, tables, papers, boxes, filing cabinets.]
CROW (Mulder, over above scene): Hmmm, investigator. Investigating, um, boxes . . . and shelves! Doing, um, investigation things.
MIKE (noting shaky camera work): Will somebody get the cameraman a Dramamine, please?
[Suddenly, MULDER hears someone outside.]
PERSON IN HALL: Dr. Barnes?
TOM (as person): Are you still in this episode?
[MULDER quietly closes the filing cabinet drawers.]
MIKE: Oooh, I bet he had to use extra stealth points for that move.
[DR BARNES enters his office, putting his briefcase down and suddenly realizes that something is wrong.]
TOM (Barnes): What . . . there's a table here! And shelves!
[BARNES looks around his office and stalks out.]
TOM (Barnes, incredulously): My whole life is a lie!
[Inside the lab where he killed Dr Merkmallen, DR BARNES enters and checks around. We pan to MULDER, who is standing behind a row of monkey cages. As we see MULDER, he suddenly goes into another intense episode.]
TOM: What the . . . ?
[MULDER puts a hand to his ears, and grimaces.]
TOM: He's channeling Joe Cocker?
[DR BARNES exits the lab, back into the hallway again.]
MIKE (noting sign again): Uh-oh, more danger.
[MULDER follows, trying to shake off his headache.]
MIKE: This is waaaay too much like those nightmares I used to have about showing up to college in nothing but my socks.
TOM (Mulder): Must . . . find . . . chemistry . . . exam . . .
[MULDER follows BARNES as far as the stairwell.]
MIKE (laughs): Pain, David! You're in pain -- this is not an interpretive dance.
TOM (sings, but the words are forced): Love lift us up . . . where we . . . belong . . .
[Over TOM's lyrics, MULDER has collapsed in the stairwell.]
[Cut to Southwestern General Hospital. As SCULLY sits in the empty room, Albert Hosteen is wheeled back in.]
CROW (nurse): Special delivery ma'am. Sign here, please.
[When SCULLY looks to the door, she catches a glimpse of DR SANDOZ, before he dashes off.]
SCULLY: Hey!
TOM (Sandoz, quickly): I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date . . .
[SCULLY gives chase.]
TOM: So is "trotting non-chalantly after suspects" a course they teach at Quantico?
[We do a close-up on SCULLY's ear]
MIKE: (makes sci-fi noises a la "6 million dollar man")
[SCULLY heads off to an emergency exit, where she catches up with SANDOZ.]
SCULLY: (lowering her gun) Okay, I need answers from you.
CROW: Why do I think that the word "answers" means something entirely different to X-files writers?
[Cut to the stairwell. MULDER is crumpled on the floor of the stairwell as KRYCEK walks past him.]
TOM (still on the Joe Cocker kick): Feelin' . . . allright . . . not feelin' too . . . good myself . . .
[On the roof, BARNES turns around to see KRYCEK approaching him.]
MIKE (noting scenery): Oh, this has got to be a "Quake" level!
DR BARNES: Are you the man who called?
KRYCEK: Dr Barnes.
TOM: No, that's him.
DR BARNES: Yes.
KRYCEK: Dr Barnes, you and I are . . .
TOM: Mad?
CROW: Stupid?
KRYCEK: . . . destined to be great friends.
MIKE (Krycek): Until I kill you, of course.
[KRYCEK hands BARNES a video tape]
TOM: "Super stars of the Super Bowl?"
[Cut to the hospital, where HOSTEEN is lying unconscious in his bed as SCULLY and SANDOZ speak.]
DR SANDOZ: Albert was the only translator who didn't dismiss me out of hand.
CROW: He dismissed him out of foot instead.
DR SANDOZ: When I showed him the original artifact, he sensed immediately its power and importance. The trouble was, it was only one fragment, not enough to read.
SCULLY: But then other pieces surfaced.
CROW (Hosteen): Do you mind? I'm trying to die peacefully here!
DR SANDOZ: Dr. Merkmallen found two more in the tidal shallows. He sent me a rubbing. Suddenly, Albert was able to make a real translation.
[SCULLY looks at the rubbing.]
TOM: C'mon! That's a second grade CCD assignment.
SCULLY: A passage from the Bible on an artifact that you're saying is extraterrestrial.
[SANDOZ nods with a grin.]
CROW (Monty Python): You're a looney!
SCULLY: And, uh, how did the aliens get it?
DR SANDOZ: They gave it to us. The text came from them. I can prove it. (removes a bundle from his pocket and unwraps it to produce his fragment of the artifact) It's written here, I'm sure of it.
MIKE: Erich Von Daniken, eat your heart out.
[SANDOZ sets his piece of the artifact down on the table.]
CROW: That's the book of Q?
DR SANDOZ: Albert was working to translate another section when his health turned.
SCULLY: And, uh, this was going to tell us what?
TOM: The usual -- Apocalypse, stock trends . . .
CROW: Dick Clark's secret to eternal youth.
DR SANDOZ: I don't know yet. Albert said it just seemed to be random letters.
MIKE (Sandoz): M - A - S - H - E - O . . . Do you know what it means?
[Suddenly, the artifact begins spinning on its own, like Dr Merkmallen's in the beginning. SCULLY, startled, grabs it and stops it.]
MIKE: Right foot red? Oh man, that's a tough one . . .
[Cut to inside MULDER's apartment, the phone rings and is answered after the first ring by a WOMAN.]
WOMAN: Hello?
CROW (Woman): MulderClones 'R Us, at your service.
SCULLY: Hello? Uh, I'm sorry, I, I'm trying to reach Fox Mulder.
WOMAN: Hold on please . . . Fox . . .
CROW (Woman): . . . There's a woman on the phone -- she says she hates you . . .
[The WOMAN hands the phone to MULDER, who is bundled under a thick blanket.]
MULDER: Hello?
SCULLY: Mulder, where are you?
MIKE: And who's your daddy?
MULDER: I'm here, I'm resting.
SCULLY: Where? Who answered the phone?
CROW (Mulder): Why, jealous?
TOM (Scully): You wish!
MULDER: I'm home. It's okay, where are you?
SCULLY: I'm in New Mexico, with, uh, with Dr Sandoz.
MULDER: Does he have the artifact?
TOM (Scully, in answer): Does Eugene Tooms like liver and onions?
SCULLY: Mulder, this, uh, artifact, if I'm to believe what I'm being told about it ...
MULDER: What?
MIKE: Gear up . . .
SCULLY: It has a passage on it from Genesis.
MIKE (Asian kung fu announcer again): Fight!
MULDER: Scully, that artifact is extraterrestrial.
SCULLY: Mulder, it can't be.
TOM: Tautology!
CROW (announcer): Scully's faltering from the start.
MULDER: Do you know what that would mean?
SCULLY: No, it would mean nothing, Mulder.
MIKE (gleefully): Repetition!
CROW: Round One, Mulder!
MULDER: No, it would mean that our progenitors were alien, that our genesis was alien, that we're here because of them, that they put us here.
SCULLY: Mulder, that is science fiction, it doesn't hold a drop of water!
MIKE: Emphatic apoplexy!
TOM: No wonder he hates her.
CROW (announcer): Round Two, Mulder!
MULDER: You're wrong, it holds everything. Don't you see? All the mysteries of science, everything that we can't understand or won't explain...every human behaviorism, cosmology, psychology, everything in the X-Files, it all owes to them, it's from them.
SCULLY: Mulder, I will not accept that, it's just not possible!
TOM: Kinda like using cell phones in a hospital ICU?
MULDER: Well then you go ahead and prove me wrong, Scully.
MIKE: And he drives the nail into the proverbial coffin!
CROW (announcer): Round Three, Mulder!
MIKE (Mortal Kombat announcer): Mulder wins! Flawless victory.
'BOTS: (cheer)
[MULDER hangs up and hands the phone back to the woman, where we see that it is in fact DIANA FOWLEY.]
MIKE: Mimi Rogers? Oh, no, it's "The Rapture" all over again.
CROW: Worse, it's Diana Fowley!
TOM (sings a la Robert Smith): You want to know why I hate you? Well I'll try and explain . . .
[FOWLEY passes from the bedroom to the living room of MULDER's apartment, where she dials the phone again, taking off her jacket in the process.]
CROW: Heeey! She was in "Striptease," right?
TOM: No!!! That was Demi Moore, and don't even joke about that.
FOWLEY: Yes, it's Diana Fowley calling for him ...(waits for "him")
CROW: Three guesses to who "him" is, and the first two don't count.
FOWLEY: I received a call from Agent Mulder this evening, he was in a particular state of distress...(shakes her head)...I don't know why, but I'm staying here until I find out.
[FOWLEY hangs up the phone and returns to the bedroom, taking off her shirt on the way.]
MIKE and TOM (horrified): Aaaaaa!
CROW: Hey, hey! Come back!
MIKE and TOM (in unison): No! Don't!
[Cut to a small room, where we see a table full of men who are talking quietly about mass destruction. We pan around the table.]
TOM (muttering): Rhubarb, rhubarb . . .
[We see the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN hang up the phone. CSM exhales some smoke.]
MIKE: Okay, who let the air out of the bad guy?
[We fade to a commercial and again ascend to the cabin of the S.O.L.]
End Part 3
We've Got MASHEO Movie Sign! Part 4
[We are back in PEARL FORRESTER's evil domain. However, there is nobody around except for one person. SHIPPER JEFF, aka THE LONE SHIPPER is seated at the table, playing solitaire.]
[We cut to the S.O.L., where MIKE and the 'BOTS are in the cabin.]
MIKE: Ummm, hello?
JEFF (looking up): Oh, hi.
CROW: Where did everybody go?
JEFF (looking around): I dunno. I think they might have gone out for cheesecake or something. Always happens -- when I drop by, they're nowhere to be found. They better get back soon, though. (checks his watch). I can't stay long, and Greg owes me money.
[As if on cue, the MASHEOites start filtering back into the room, along with PEARL, BRAIN GUY and BOBO. GREG notices SHIPPER JEFF and comes up to him.]
GREG: Hey, hi Jeff! Don't you owe me money?
[JEFF shakes his head in exasperation. Suddenly, there is a tremendous crashing noise, and we cut back to the S.O.L. There is a ruckus, as though the ship has been torpedoed from the outside.]
TOM: Whoa, What was that?
[The S.O.L. is hit again.]
MIKE: Quick, Cambot, give me rocket number nine!
[Cut to an outside view of the Satellite. There is another ship outside, and it's firing on MIKE and the 'BOTS! The ship is rather odd . . . its hull is painted a deep pink color and there are little hearts plastered all over it. Cut back to the S.O.L., where GYPSY appears.]
GYPSY: Mike! Our communication lines are being bombarded with romantic collages and bad poetry -- they're breaking through our firewall!
MIKE (confused): Huh? Who is?!
[Suddenly, the cabin is filled with a cacophony of women's voices, singing throaty, powerful love songs. We catch snatches of Shania Twain and Celene Dion.]
GYPSY: They've compromised the main power grid! It's a Canadian Diva full frontal assault!
MIKE (frantic): Who are they!? What do they want?
[We cut back to the evil mansion, where we see red flashing lights and hear alert klaxons. The MASHEOites are mobilizing. EVE, BRIANNA, MELANIE, and MARY-ANNE are taking the front lines, while behind them, ELSIE and BILL make up the second tier of defense. Shippers NICHOLE, LYLA and SPANDELLAKISS are at a control terminal, and PQ, SHARLEY and RI-CHAN are preparing what appear to be assault weapons. Meanwhile, PEARL, BRAIN GUY and BOBO are hovered in a corner, afraid for their lives. GREG takes control.]
GREG: Rabid shipper attack! This is not a drill, folks! Fall out, and man your battle stations!
[Back up on the S.O.L., the main communication window opens to reveal two unnamed RABID SHIPPERs.]
RS#1: OHMIGOD I DONT BELIEVE IT!!!! THEY ARE IN LOVE THEY ARE!!!!
[Cut to rocket number nine. Flames shoot out of the Shipper ship, heading for both the S.O.L. and the Earth.]
MIKE: Take evasive action!
[S.O.L. banks hard to starboard.]
GREG: No good -- You'll never win that way! (To Eve, Brianna and Melanie) . . . On my mark . . .
RS#1: R U PPL INSANE?!!!!
RS#2: DIE FOWLEY LOVERS DIE DIE DIE!!!!
GREG: Eve, Melanie, go!
EVE: This is almost too easy . . .
[EVE deflects the flames with deft proof of hatred via Diana Fowley. MELANIE sends out a counterattack, blasting SHIPPER #1 with images of superintelligent dolphins and sentient strands of DNA.]
RS#1: GOD!!!! YOU CAN'T MEAN IT!!!! THEY DO TWO LOVE EACHOTHER!!!
GREG: Brianna, Mary-Anne, now!
[BRIANNA sends out a massive MASHEO MOTHER tax for grammar and capslock abuse. MARY-ANNE assaults the Shipper ship with the "About" section. Throughout the scene, we see MARY P. walking by with water and first aid.]
RS#2: THEY HAVE 2 GET 2GETHER!!!!! THEY R IN LOVE HOW CAN YOU EVEN SAY THEY ARENT?????
ELSIE: Bill, I think you and I can handle this one.
[BILL distracts the flames with surreal images of llamas or chickens, and ELSIE sends out a big wave of SKipperism.]
RS#2: SCREW YOU ALL FOR SAYING THEY HATE EACH OTHER!!!!!!!
GREG: Sharley, PQ, Ri-chan, you know what to do! Lyla, how's the image neutralization coming?
[SHARLEY, PQ and RI-CHAN assault SHIPPER 2 with more CINA (Compltely Irrational Noromo Argumentation) than was thought humanly possible. Meanwhile, LYLA speaks up.]
LYLA: We've got a lock on their a/v feed!
SPANDELLA: Initiating geocities link --- oooh! What a great collage! How'd they get Paint to do that?
NICHOLE: Cool! Transferring files . . . shippy pics, poetry and .wavs have now been re-routed to www.geocities.com/FoxandDana.htm. (bringing up Netscape to view pics) Man, these guys are good. Loading virus . . .
LYLA: Multimedia deflected to a bad geocities site infected with the Melissa virus! That'll crash anything that sets foot over there . . .
GREG: Good work, guys!
RS#2: OUR PICTURES!!!!
GREG: Steady . . .
RS#1: YOU WILL NOT DEFEAT US SO EASILY!!!!!
RS#2: ALL OF YOU . . . ALL OF YOU ARE . . .
GREG: Wait for it . . .
RS#1 and RS#2: ALL OF YOU ARE MAD AND STUPID!!!!
GREG: NOW!
[Cut to a view from rocket number 9, and we see a huge fireball erupt from the earth, hurling the Shipper ship out of orbit. We again cut back to the mansion, and the MASHEOites cheer.]
GREG: See, you just have to fight fire with fire. Or, as we like to say, stupidity with stupidity. It's that easy.
MIKE (somewhat confused): Oh, uh, of course.
[PEARL comes out of her hiding place.]
PEARL: Speaking of stupidity, Nelson, now that the crisis is past, I think it's time you had a date with a season finale . . .
[Cut to S.O.L., where the klaxons again are ringing.]
MIKE (blandly): Oh no, we've got movie sign.
[MIKE and the 'BOTS take their seats. We see only white light, as SCULLY speaks.]
SCULLY: (vo) It began with an act of supreme violence.
CROW (Monty Python): Noooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
SCULLY (vo): A big bang expanding ever outward. Cosmos born of matter and gas: matter and gas, ten billion years ago.
CROW (mystically): Cramps and acid reflux . . .
MIKE: Scientifically speaking, gas is matter, isn't it?
SCULLY (vo): Whose idea was this? Who had the audacity for such invention? And the reason?
TOM (John McLaughlin): I ask you, Pat Buchanan!
SCULLY (vo): Were we part of that plan, ten billion years ago? Are we born only to die? To be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth before giving way to our generations? If there is a beginning, must there be an end?
CROW: hmmmm . . . no, yes, yes, and, hopefully, yes.
SCULLY (vo): We burn like fires in our time, only to be extinguished, to surrender to the elements' eternal reclaim . . . matter and gas.
CROW (mystically): Heartburn and nausea . . . tapeworms and irritable--
MIKE: That's enough.
[We see the Navajo tribesmen preparing Albert Hosteen for a healing ceremony.]
MIKE: I wonder if this is covered in his HMO.
[SCULLY continues for a while, and the camera pans up and over her.]
TOM: Oh no, the cameraman's being abducted!
SCULLY (vo): . . . Who tends the flames? Can he reignite the spark, even as it grows cold and weak?
TOM (mystically): Can Chris Carter himself create a plot so complicated, even he can't understand it?
[The voice-over ends and we see SCULLY talking with DR SANDOZ.]
DR SANDOZ: The healing ceremony has begun if you wanna go inside.
SCULLY: No, I, uh, I don't think that's right.
TOM (Scully, to Sandoz): Are you sure that's your line?
SCULLY: I don't share in their faith.
DR SANDOZ: The medical doctors say they've done everything they could.
SCULLY: I know. I think they have.
MIKE: Have they tried getting him a better agent and getting him out of this episode?
[SCULLY's phone rings. She apologizes and answers the phone.]
SCULLY: Scully.
AD SKINNER: It's Skinner, where are you?
CROW: Hey, that's Mulder's line!
SCULLY: I'm with Dr. Sandoz.
AD SKINNER: Where?
SCULLY: In Gallup, New Mexico. Where are you?
MIKE (Skinner): Padding out a scene with expository dialogue, same as you.
AD SKINNER: A hospital in Georgetown, I'm calling with some bad news. Mulder's in serious condition here.
SCULLY: What happened to him?
AD SKINNER: Nobody knows, Agent Scully, you should do whatever you can to get here as soon as possible.
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the world's vaguest conversation.
[SCULLY hangs up and turns back to DR SANDOZ.]
SCULLY: I have to go, I have to leave.
MIKE (Scully): . . . and go torment my stupid partner.
DR SANDOZ: Please, don't let anyone know where I am. Not until we know for sure... (reveals the artifact)
[SCULLY nods affirmatively.]
MIKE (snorts): Hello? Did he decide to go temporarily deaf?
TOM (Scully): Uhhh, okay! But I told my boss and he told his friend Suzy and then, well you know how she is . . . and then Jessica told the whole ninth grade and, well, now we think you're pretty much doomed!
[Cut to GEORGETOWN MEMORIAL HOSPITAL WASHINGTON, D.C. SKINNER sits nervously on a bench in the hallway, waiting for Scully.]
TOM (Skinner): Okay . . . umm, 'Scully, I'm being controlled by a nano-master who forced me to . . . ' No! How about, 'Scully, ha ha, I've been driving your partner insane but only because the nanites in my blood made me do it. . . ' No! . . .
[Suddenly, SKINNER hears her footsteps and rises. SCULLY is coming down the hall.]
TOM (Skinner): Uh, umm . . . Krycek made me do it!
SCULLY: They just told me he's in the special psychiatric unit.
AD SKINNER: I told you on the phone...
CROW (Skinner, whiny): I have my rights!
SCULLY: No, you said there was bad news, you didn't tell me what was wrong. (Skinner gives her a look) Look, I'm sorry, it just took me three flights to get here.
MIKE: Wow, I thought it was a transporter beam.
AD SKINNER: I don't know what to do, Dana, no one else does either. I knew you'd want to be here to see him, to talk to the doctors.
[SKINNER takes SCULLY's hand.]
SCULLY: What? What is it?
MIKE: Did he go on the rug again? Do I need to get the hose?
[Cut to a surveillance room, where we see several monitors watching different patients. FOWLEY is standing in front of them, watching, as SCULLY and SKINNER enter.]
FOWLEY: (to Scully) Thank you for coming. He was asking for you last night.
MIKE: Actually, he wanted a punching bag, but that's close enough.
[On the monitor, MULDER is stumbling about a padded room, rubbing his head. SCULLY watches for a moment. A DOCTOR enters the surveillance room.]
DOCTOR: You really shouldn't be in here.
SCULLY: What's wrong with him? This man right here, Fox Mulder?
[On the monitor, MULDER starts screaming.]
CROW (commercial announcer): He's got a headache this big, and it's screaming for Excedrin.
DOCTOR: We don't know what's wrong with him and we don't know what to do for him.
TOM: FOX is ruining him, and he knows it.
MIKE: Just don't let him start writing, for God's sake!
[DOCTOR continues.]
DOCTOR: . . . We're waiting to run more tests.
SCULLY: Waiting for what?
MIKE (Scully, in a 20's gangster voice): Nobody beats on my partner but me, see?
DOCTOR: He's extremely violent. With what we've given him, he should be in a barbiturate coma, but there's brain activity in areas we've never seen before.
TOM (Doctor): We think it may be the "mad and stupid" module.
SCULLY: I want to talk to him.
DOCTOR: No. He's a danger to anyone.
SCULLY: Not to me.
CROW (Scully): I'll kick his ass first!
FOWLEY: (to Scully) Can we speak in the hall?
SCULLY: About what?
[FOWLEY gives SCULLY a look.]
MIKE (Fowley): About that not-so-fresh feeling.
AD SKINNER: Agent Scully . . .
TOM(Skinner): Do I have to give you a lunch detention?
[SKINNER heads out the door, gesturing for her to follow. As they are about to leave, MULDER screams "Scully!" as he looks at the camera.]
CROW (Scully): Put a sock in it! I'm trying to talk to the other grown-ups here.
[Out in the hall, SCULLY, SKINNER and FOWLEY empty out of the surveillance room.]
FOWLEY: When did all this start?
SCULLY: When we took this case. When Skinner gave it to us.
FOWLEY: What kind of case is it?
SCULLY: Investigation into a murder.
FOWLEY: Of whom?
[Over the above lines, MIKE and the 'BOTs make hissing, growling and spitting noises like two cats fighting.]
AD SKINNER: The case has nothing to do with what's happened to him.
CROW: He's just been watching too much Pokemon.
FOWLEY: Agent Scully says it does. Now you know my background, my previous work on the X-Files, if I can help on this case . . .
MIKE: I'd be really surprised!
AD SKINNER: The X-File here is a fraud, Scully has ample proof of that. Evidence authenticated by a scholar and authority.
[SCULLY wheels around with a perplexed look.]
MIKE (Scully): Whoa, am I really this short?
SCULLY: I never sent you that report.
TOM: Doh!
AD SKINNER: Anyway, the case is being resolved.
CROW (Skinner): I have my rights! Get me a lawyer!
FOWLEY: Not as far as it affects Agent Mulder. If you know what's happening, why won't you tell me?
CROW: I think she'd rather gargle with rusty nails.
SCULLY: Why were you with him last night?
FOWLEY: He called me. I found him in a university stairwell, he could barely speak. He said I was the only one who'd believe him, about an artifact.
TOM (Fowley): And about how much he hates this one petite redhead he knows, but he wouldn't give me any names . . .
SCULLY: You're a liar.
MIKE (matching Scully's somber tone): Pants on fire.
[SCULLY starts away, as SKINNER catches her arm.]
AD SKINNER: Scully . . .
SCULLY: You're both liars.
MIKE: Pants on fire, so nanny nanny boo boo.
[SCULLY walks away. We pan to SKINNER and FOWLEY, who stare at each other.]
CROW (Skinner): Do you think she's on to us?
[Cut to inside the Navajo hut. We scan over a bunch of Navajo men who are chanting.]
TOM (gradually speeding up): Hey . . . Ricky Martin . . . Robert Plant . . . Phil Collins . . Peter Gabriel, Willie Nelson, Meat Loaf, Ted Nugent and . . .
[we start panning over a prone body. The camera moves up the figure. . .]
TOM: . . . Elvis?
[. . . to reveal Albert Hosteen, unconscious.]
MIKE: Guess not. Nice try, though.
[Suddenly, DR SANDOZ gets up in a rush and heads for the door.]
CROW: Aw, he should've taken Kaopectate.
[Cut to D.C. again. SCULLY enters Mulder's office in a rush]
TOM: Meanwhile, back at the bat cave . . .
[SCULLY begins searching the area where she, Mulder and Chuck were looking at the slides. Eventually, she realizes the smoke detector, climbing up on a chair to get a better look. We see the camera inside.]
CROW: Oh, I see the PWP writers were hoping to get some covert action on tape.
TOM: Crow, you need help.
[The phone rings. SCULLY climbs down and answers.] SCULLY: Hello?
DR SANDOZ: Agent Scully, Dr. Sandoz.
MIKE: This is a quiz. Now quick, which one are you?
DR SANDOZ: I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to reach you. There's something . . .
SCULLY: Dr. Sandoz, I, I don't know if this is a secure line.
DR SANDOZ: Yes, alright, but I realized something.
TOM (Sandoz): I'm dead meat, aren't I?
DR SANDOZ: The letters Albert translated on the artifact; I know what they are.
MIKE: Well, tell her now, so it'll be ironic when you die.
SCULLY: What they are?
DR SANDOZ: Yes, they're coordinates, Agent Scully.
SCULLY: For what?
CROW: Oh c'mon and spit it out! No use prolonging the inevitable.
DR SANDOZ: For genes. They're symbols for gene clusters. The human genome ... (Scully goes silent) ... are you there?
SCULLY: Yeah.
DR SANDOZ: I think it's all here, the map to our human genetic makeup, every gene on every chromosome. Proof of what I've been saying. If only we could find more pieces.
TOM: Now is when the aliens come back, asking around for the whereabouts of their phone directory.
[Suddenly, DR SANDOZ goes silent. We cut to the horses, who are acting skittish.]
MIKE (as the horse, with a Mr. Ed voice): C'mon! Even we know you're toast!
SCULLY: Dr. Sandoz? Hello?
[Suddenly, a gun shot rings out over the phone. SCULLY looks up at the camera, then turns back to the phone.]
MIKE: Dial 'M' for Mad . . .
SCULLY: Dr. Sandoz?
MIKE: . . . and dial 'S' for Stupid.
[Dr Sandoz's phone is lying on the ground for a moment before a gloved hand picks it up, panning up to show us Dr Sandoz shot in the head and finally all the way up to the face of ALEX KRYCEK. KRYCEK looks toward the tent and moves on.]
MIKE (a la "Swingers"): Ah, this place is dead anyway.
[Dissolve to a beach. IVORY COAST -- 36 HOURS LATER shows up on the screen.]
MIKE (tiredly): 36 hours? Well, it certainly seems like it.
CROW: Tell me this is almost over.
[One African man is showing the rubbing of the artifact to a group of other men, speaking Swahili. After a moment, he returns to SCULLY.]
CROW: This is the weirdest truffle hunt I've ever seen.
MAN: It's the same. I'll take you, but they are afraid.
TOM: After all, they're godless uneducated heathens.
MIKE (in slight foreign accent): You could tell them so, if only you spoke Jovitos.
[The man leads SCULLY down the shoreline a way to a small cove where he points out the object.]
MIKE: This week on E!'s "Fashion Emergency:" West African natives!
CROW: The destitute weather-worn look is soooo out!
[SCULLY bends down, wiping away the wet sand to show a large piece of an artifact.]
TOM (Scully): Not an alien artifact . . . it's a, um, um, tidal curiosity. That's it.
[Soon SCULLY realizes how big the piece is and stands. The music here gets very cheesey 70's sci-fi. The camera starts panning back.]
MIKE: He who controls the spice controls the universe!
[We pan back to see that there is, in fact, an entire ship, halfway buried in the sand.]
MIKE: I guess they weren't technologically advanced enough to outmanoeuver the planet.
TOM: Well, that's what happens when you don't collect everyone's keys at the start of the kegger.
CROW: Tragedy.
[[Eve's note: For die hard MSTies, replace CROW's above line with -- CROW (sad, old, railroad guy): Why don't they look? ]]
[The scene fades to black.]
MIKE: Well, at least that's over with . . .
[The words "TO BE CONTINUED" appear.]
ALL: Doh!
[The theater recedes, and we are sent back to the S.O.L. control room.]
[We join MIKE and the 'BOTS back in the control cabin.]
TOM: I don't want them to take this the wrong way, but I hope Pearl just never invites those people over again.
CROW: Yeah, I don't know if I'll be able to take the next two installments of that.
[A red light blinks.]
MIKE: Hold on, the Hostess with the Mostess is calling.
[Cut to the mansion. We see PEARL waving goodbye to most of the MASHEOites. Only BRIANNA and GREG are left.]
BRIANNA: Actually, that was me calling. I just wanted to share the news with you (performs a few calculations). You've given us a bounty of proof for our hatred archives!
MIKE: Gee, and all it took was an hour of cruel punishment.
GREG: All of MASHEO owes you a debt of gratitude!
TOM: Really? Can you get us down from here?
GREG: Hmmmm, Eve might be able to come up with something . . .
PEARL (interrupting): Well, anyway, nice to meet you all (ushering GREG and BRIANNA to the door), and I hope you have a lot of fun in your nice little forest with your little hatred theories. And if you don't get him down, I'll let you use Mike for more experiments!
BRIANNA: Ooooh, what an opportunity!
MIKE: Hey!
GREG: Brianna! Look at what you're saying!
MIKE: Yeah!
GREG (to Pearl): Sorry, lady, but you'll have to bribe us with more than that.
BRIANNA: Yeah, right! Of course!
GREG: Believe in the . . .
MIKE: (sighs) I know, I know. Believe in the hate.
PEARL: Now you're catching on, Nelson! (to GREG) Would you care to do the honors?
GREG: Of course!
[GREG hits a button. All of a sudden, the mansion is flooded with the sounds of Canadian Divas again.]
PEARL: No, hit the other button, Greg.
GREG: Right.
[GREG hits the button, and the screen goes dark.]
[Credits roll over the sound of Shania Twain's "Still the One."]
End!
