On occasion of getting my bound disseratation copies

[eve11]

In 2008-2010 I had somewhat resigned myself to the fact that even though I had promised myself I would finish and make it count, that I didn't really know how or if it would happen. I saw no path forward that ended well, no way to complete the rat-hole project I was in to any level of satisfaction that would warrant a degree. I had spent 6 years in grad school and 2-3 more at a job, ABD, with no dissertation done, a huge mess of code, a huge mess of writing that was unintelligible, and a project that I hated so much I'd not even looked at anything for like 18 months. My deadline for giving up crept forward and I just let it come. I don't think I could have gotten out of the rut on my own. I had an idea in my head that I would be a PhD Math Chick and I was poised to fail. I didn't want to be the person who couldn't finish. What the fuck was wrong with me? All of my friends finished, years ago. And yet here I was, running from this shit project because I'd screwed it up so badly. I had lots of little commitments that were eating away at me, and I was going to fail the biggest one there was. There was guilt, but I more got this brain-dead feeling whenever I tried to start work on it, where I blinked and discovered I'd been playing Minesweeper for hours. I couldn't focus.

And then I got coaxed out of it, kind of crisis-like, by the person who would become my new advisor. In spring 2010 I had an extremely nerve-wracking meeting with my ex-advisor and the head of the department, where I had to decide to abandon the topic I'd had brewing for six years, and start again with a project I'd been working on for work, for only a year. I panicked so much my head was light, I was crying so hard my eyes were puffy and my face was numb. And I think my ex-advisor knew i'd been having difficulties, but the head of the department . . . he had absolutely no idea how much my failure at that project had been paralyzing me. I think he was actually quite shocked. He had kept saying, "your first topic is so close to being finished" and I couldn't see it at all and was afraid that it would be "finish that topic or don't finish." But both my advisor and the department head basically said, "If you need to change topics to finish, then yes, do that." The longer I let it hang in the air--bad project, not a bad advisor but one that I wasn't compatible with, some lacking skills on my part, bad head-space--the harder it was to hit stop and re-route. If only I'd picked the right thing back in 2004, or not let it go for another 4 years of running, etc... But I had to do something, or I was staring straight at failure.

I changed topics. I abandoned the commitments I'd made for that research and moved forward. I felt so much better. It was a huge relief to say, "okay, that one... that one flew and I fucked it up and faced it, and I've learned from it and will do better next time." I had to show my face at the department again which was nerve-wracking because I still felt like a disappointment. I changed advisors from one who left me be on my own (so I could stick my head in the sand and run away from the work), to one who met with me for lunch every. single. week. And who made sure that even when I was feeling my wheels spinning, I had a plan for what to do next, and above all I was always moving forward.

The research and coding and minutia of the topic were less important than the skills I learned for organizing data, writing code, designing repeatable visualizations, keeping track of all the notation and stupid bits of my dissertation document, and keeping myself on track.

I had fic ideas rattling in my brain. I have a story I committed to for livii three years ago that I've not gotten to yet, and it's still on my to-do list. At one point last year I was so hell-bent on wanting to finish my WIP-o-Doom (still WIP) for clocketpatch and others--they were waiting; I'd posted parts of this story and it was taking up my brain and I couldn't set it down. I honestly thought, "I'm going to write a Doctor Who fanfic novel in my life and not a statistics dissertation. Fuck. Am I okay with that?" And of course, that looks ridiculous when I write it out. The commitments to my online friends, much as I love them, aren't at the same level as commitments to my future and to who I want to be.

I asked my advisor at one lunch date, "What do you do when you have an idea in your head and your brain won't let you think on anything else?" and he said basically, "Whatever do you mean, your 'brain won't let you'? I am the boss of my brain." He also said, in life, you should only have one to-do list, and everything goes on that list. Sometimes that worked for me, sometimes not. I guess I'm a little more of a romantic or daydreamer than my advisor, but I'm not a famous emeritus professor, and don't think I will ever be one. I think, however much I hate to admit it, that if it hadn't been for him, I would have failed.

So I did it, the way I had to. Built up piece by piece, dot the i's cross the t's, go back to all the stuff I thought I couldn't learn, and give it a big push at the end. Defended with 11 days to spare before my time ran out for being able to graduate. It's not perfect. It took 12 years and two tries, a fuck-ton of mistakes. There went the bulk of my twenties, and the first half of my thirties. My sisters both have kids; I have cats, and a dissertation entitled "Behavioral Modeling of Botnet Populations Viewed Through Internet Protocol Address Space" that no-one but my committee will likely read. The research is middling and completely impractical, and it will likely never be used.

I'm still stupidly proud of it. The way I got there is shite, but I can't dwell on it. I got there, the committee signed off, and I learned a set of things that I think the folks that go through straight in 5-6 years might not have learned. I just got the bound copies yesterday. I hate that they say 2012. I still wonder if it is "really" worthy or if it's some kind of make-do. But hey, the most important lessons I learned had nothing to do with what made it into those pages anyway.

Comments

[splash-the-cat.livejournal.com]

You rock and you should be proud.

[eve11]

Aw, thanks. There is still plenty of room for improvement, but I'm pretty happy with my progress so far. You guys out in lj-land all rock too. I might not comment as much on posts as I should, and fandoms come and go, but I am very glad to know you and glad to feel connected, if that makes sense.

[splash-the-cat.livejournal.com]

It does. :)

[thefish30.livejournal.com]

Daaaang. Good on you for not giving up! And finding out what/who worked for you!

Sometimes I think one of the biggest lessons in life is that you just have to keep trying different things until you find something that works.

You Win!

[eve11]

You know, I wonder how much of the things I learned were intertwined with the fact that I was going through the first half of my thirties at the same time I was trying to finish! There's a life perspective there that perhaps dawns a bit earlier for some people, or a bit later for others, but generally doesn't quite crystallize until you get to that spot. I certainly hope it's not a mid-life crisis... maybe a third-life crisis... :D

[ladymercury-10.livejournal.com]

You did it! Hooray again! You should be very proud. I think different things represent different achievements for different people, and so you shouldn't say, oh, other people did it faster, and let that make your PhD somehow less special. I mean, yes, of course it's hard not to feel that way sometimes. But...oh, I'm sorry, I'm going to ramble. I'm sorry, this is sort of a thing with me....

There have been a lot of people who I probably wouldn't be doing math without, and all of them have been very, very good at what they do. But that's not the same as being some kind of math god who can do no wrong and never has any problems. My favorite professor, who is my hero and who did her PhD at Ann Arbor, she's so good, who got me through linear algebra when I was a scared little English major, and who let me do an independent study even though I'd never been so much as properly taught proofs, took something like ten years to finish her degree, and was teaching ABD for a long time. And my old roommate who was so excited every year to take the Putnam on her birthday, that's how much fun she thought wicked hard math problems were, finally got to marry her boyfriend after waiting for the longest time, but that interrupted her grad work, because they had to move for his job. And one of my math major buddies, who was the best tutor I ever worked with, who would absolutely gush about the most esoteric sorts of math to anyone who came within earshot, and who could make just about anything make sense, who actually cried trying to explain a proof to his girlfriend, he thought it was so beautiful--he didn't get into any of the PhD programs he applied to, and he's taking a post-baccalaureate year to help out the department instead. And none of those things are the "traditional" math people paths, but I mean, does that make them less important, or what they have done less meaningful? And I certainly would have had a hard time trucking along on my own bizarre little math path without them, so.

And with the professor, it was sort of extra weird, because I took something like six different classes with her, so I got to know her as well as you ever do in those things, and so I got to see her having bad days and having to teach sick and miss class because of family emergencies and just be so darned busy all the time. And she'd not have time to grade homework, and she'd forget to tell me when she had to cancel meetings sometimes, and I'd come to her office and have to look for a sign on the door or ask the other professors if she came to school that day. It should have been disillusioning, and it was a bit, at first. But I think in the end, it meant more to me to know how hard she had to work for it, and that she was still such a wonderful teacher, and when she would get really excited on the days she taught us the fun theorems, that meant a whole lot to see.

And I think I've said this before, and it's weird to say it since it's all a series of tubes, you know? But it really is very cool for me to get to see you winning at stats and also writing such lovely things. And doing both at once, especially, since that's so rare, both the math metaphors and the life that has both. And hard and long is no fun, but you kept on keeping on, and that's all that's fair to ask of anyone, and for what anything my two cents is worth, I think you did awesome.

Wow, do I have weird speech patterns when I ramble-type.

[eve11]

Thanks so much. I think part of me will always be a little bit sad that I won't be a pure academic mathematician, but it's something I realized pretty early on, even while loving the ideas in the subject and eating up the cool discrete math and algebra classes. I had to pick a path that would play to my strengths, which I'm very glad I did. And glad that I realized I still had things that I needed to get better at, and that it's okay to say, here are my strengths and here is what comes easy, and also, here are the parts that will take more work.

Stats is a strange subject; it is the language of scientific discovery, much messier than pure math, and so much more wrapped up in communication. I've been thinking about doing a "100 things" blog post series, perhaps on the history of the foundations of statistics and science, since I've been reading up on them of late. I've been meaning to get ahold of Stephen Stigler's "History of Statistics" book.

Heh, people have told me I would be a good teacher... but I think I would have to make teaching my life if I did so, and that scares me a bit. It's a huge time commitment and a lot of work (can I just write fanfic instead??? ;D)

It is really great to find others of like mind out there across the series of tubes. You write wonderful stories and I was so amazed to come across another math-metaphor chick over on Teaspoon...it really makes me smile. I know you will do fantastic. I don't recommend taking the long route per se; so if you do run into stumbling blocks and can power through them quicker than 6 years, I'd say go for it :D They will get smaller when you confront them.

[ladymercury-10.livejournal.com]

That would be cool, about the history of stats and how the relate to science. I've heard bits of the history of math story kind of a lot of times, because I took a class, and also because it's part of a lot of pop mathematics books, but I don't know very much about where stats came from.

And haha, thank you very much. I'm only getting started, so of course I can't really know at this point, but I don't particularly expect to stay for a PhD. It's so hard to get into academia now, and the jobs I'd look at otherwise I could take with just an MS. But I'm one of those masochistic people who loves school, so who knows. :P

[a-phoenixdragon.livejournal.com]

I...wow!! Wow!! I haven't even 'known' you that long, but I'm going to say: I'm proud of you. You kept going, you kept trying. You admitted defeat, took a new path and made it work for you. That takes guts. That takes knowing your limits and learning from your mistakes and using them to pull you forward instead of holding you back. There is a lot I'm sure everyone could learn from this. And hell with 'how long it took'. These are lessons you learned in a few short years that take most of us a lifetime to learn *points at self*. Be proud. You learned a lot - about yourself, your subject and the people around you. You WON. You surpassed the odds and beat your inner negative voice down and completed it anyway. You have your proof in your hands!

Be proud, honey! I certainly am!

*HUGS*

[eve11]

Thanks :)

You know, at the beginning, my new advisor kept asking me about who in my head was telling me I couldn't do things, etc., and it was strange because I never really had distinct negative voices in my head or anything, so the questions just confused me. When I read Ally Brosh's Adventures in Depression from Hyperbole and a Half, it made more sense but at the same time, it made me realize that, while I might have been at a stumbling block and in need of some external guidance and of learning some proper life skills to get around it, I wasn't also having to deal with that kind of soul-crushing depression, and I had to make it clear to my advisor that he didn't need to also be a psycho-therapist. Then again, I basically met with him weekly and vented at him about whatever was on my mind, and he has got to be the most patient person I've ever met, so there is that… ;)

I think with me it was more just a disconnect, kind of a denial. There were completely rational voices in my head that said, "if you continue to go down this path, you will not succeed in your goals. How important are those goals, really, to you and others?" And I needed to listen to that voice instead of rationalize it away with thoughts like: lots of people don't finish graduate programs. I got pretty far. I learned some stuff. I have a good job. I'm awesome at what I do and don't need to prove it with a piece of paper, etc.

Looming hard deadlines are great for pulling someone out of denial but not so great for figuring out what to do about it, you know? I realize that that stumbling block in my first project was likely the first time I'd run across a project for which the consequences were very big and for which I didn't have natural skills for handling it. So I had to admit that I needed experience and I needed to learn.

I have become a lot more self-aware as a result of this process...though I am not always necessarily willing to try and work on improving all of my limitations at once :)

[a-phoenixdragon.livejournal.com]

LOL!! That, my dear, is being human. A terrible and wonderful thing all at once.

*HUGS*

[auntiemeesh.livejournal.com]

I am extremely proud of you for facing up to a difficult situation, making the changes and getting the project crossed off your to-do list. You rock!

[eve11]

Thanks :) I think it gave me a big boost of confidence. I hope that doesn't make me insufferable...

Also I wanted to say thanks for sticking with me, and doing fun fannish things, and keeping me up with the gym, and listening to me rant when needed :)

[auntiemeesh.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

That, my fried, is what friends are for. :)

[abyssinia4077.livejournal.com]

You should be incredibly proud of it. It's an amazing, hard accomplishment and you *did* it. It's freaking awesome.

[eve11]

Thanks. I think I may have made it harder than it needed to be, but there is still a lesson in that :)

[bexxa.livejournal.com]

The research and coding and minutia of the topic were less important than the skills I learned for organizing data, writing code, designing repeatable visualizations, keeping track of all the notation and stupid bits of my dissertation document, and keeping myself on track.

This. Right there. The specific content of the dissertation is the least valuable component of the doctorate.

The skills and experience you gained in the process of producing that dissertation are what will pay off in the long run.

You done good!

[eve11]

Thanks! I also wish I had believed that earlier as well! :D

[lostrack621.livejournal.com]

First, you make all this fuss about bound dissertation copies and you don't give us pictures?!?!! OMG WOMAN, I want to see your masterpiece!!!!
**
Now, seriously, you did it. You did it. We learn the most from our failures or near failures and I think that you now know a lot more about the things you like to do and how to do them. I'm having a hard time putting in to words exactly what I want to say right now, probably because I am grappling with the scenario of beginning the end, but you fucking did it and that is ALL that matters. Dissertations aren't supposed to change the world - they are just supposed to be done. They usually aren't read in entirety by anyone but your committee and there are always mistakes.

And you did it!

[eve11]

Ha, I suppose it is best to think of dissertations as beginnings and not endings. And eeee the beginning of the end! I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. :D

[lostrack621.livejournal.com]

:D I very much depend on your verbal support - and you know that! xoxo

[rabswom.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad you finished. I'm pretty much clinging to the cliche that the best dissertation is a 'done' dissertation.

I realize that I haven't been at this as long as you have, but I keep looking at the next year and thinking 'holy crap -- I'm finally going to be done'. It feels kind of unreal though.

[eve11]

You kind of have... except you took your time off right after college before starting up grad school, and I kind of ran away from grad school from about 2006 through 2010.

There is definitely an unreal feeling about it. Even when I was talking with you in Austin in January, and was looking at 5 months... I was still like, "how the hell is this going to happen?" And then it kind of coalesced and I was staring at a ton of code and results and writeups and tables, and then there was this document and it had a beginning, middle and end. It was freaking surreal.