What matters

[eve11]

I am absolutely sickened by what has happened. Children raped. On campus. Repeatedly. I hesitate to type it because it's so awful but not to write it out is like downplaying it or denying it happened. So that's it. Young boys, as young as 8 to 10, forced into sexual acts by a sick pedophile who operated with impunity and had the power and prestige to set up an entire charity through which to find his victims. Allegations and observations covered up or smoothed over by an administration that at best, fell victim to a horrific game of "telephone" and at worst, covered over what they knew was happening to save face.

I keep thinking about the victims, how they placed their trust in a mentor and had it ripped away. I keep thinking about the abject lies that people tell themselves so hard until they believe them. Part of me wants Jerry Sandusky to do the world a favor, take some pills and rid the world of himself so we don't have to waste money prosecuting him. There is nothing redeeming about him and I hate him for what he did. I hate the fact that he's still proclaiming innocence and is such a sick fuck that he actually believes it. Apparently, pedophiles like this often believe that they are kids' best friends and are horribly misunderstood and depressed and sad when the truth comes out. Fuck them. Fuck their twisted "nice guy" personas. I hate that others may have believed him. I hate that nobody stepped forward to help those kids. The leadership at PSU betrayed those boys the absolute most, and they betrayed the rest of the people who put any kind of trust in them to do the right thing, when it absolutely mattered more than anything else. I hate that I can't change that. I hate that reading the insults hurled at PSU hurts me, because I know it's not about me.

I've read the grand jury indictment. I've thought a lot about it. I've tried to avoid reading the internet comments that say my alma mater should be razed to the ground over the actions of a few and that all of us who are connected with the university in any way have the obligation to present a gaping open wound on our chests for prurient poking and moral aggrandizing whenever we present a resume or discuss our schooling or talk about our old college friends. At this point, I believe that the beds that were made will now be lain in by those responsible. I still, for some reason, manage to have empathy for those involved, or at least, an understanding possibly of why people failed to act. Which is not to be confused with sympathy or in any way condoning of the decisions that were made. But I am for some reason lacking in Moral Outrage. Maybe I just need to think about it more, and that will come. Sadly, this kind of thing happens way more often than some people would like to believe, in families across the country. Every. Single. Day. People fail to act. Every. Single. Day. If anything can come of this, perhaps it can spark discussions and help to bring the insidious, secretive problem into the light.

Pennsylvania is apparently trying to fast-track a law that mandates that any adult witnessing an assault on a child is required to report it to the police. I think it's a nice idea but it seems like an absolutely unenforceable law that may have far-reaching effects on adults who are also victims of domestic violence; I wonder what the wording will be and what the implications are. I think that the fact that "there's a law!" will not push people to act in the spur of the moment any more than any other reasons they might have. How will it influence their decisions afterward? Will someone have to plead the 5th to avoid incriminating themselves if they didn't act soon enough? I wonder how applicable the exact situation that drove this law is to the more general problem. The power dynamics that can still exist among "adults" muddy these waters, and oh yeah, it's why the mandatory reporting laws for educators and other impartial third parties are there and that suspicions need to be reported to CYS so they can be investigated impartially. Those people need to have training on how to act; it's part of their jobs (And yet they too are fallible). Where will we institute this training for "every adult"? Will the government do better than the father of a grad student? Nobody wants to hear this now. Things went wrong and something must be done about it.

I'm sick of hearing about Joe Paterno. I of course was a fan of the team but I was never in the Cult of Paterno: I had no idea who he was at all when I reported to my dorm in late August, 1995. There are several warring stories underlying what wasn't said about "Victim 2" in the grand jury report; even the "best" of them is bad enough for me to agree that he and anyone else who knew of what happened cannot keep their jobs, and had to go, immediately. There is a lot of speculating and stone-throwing running around right now; what does it do? (That said, I think that when you spend a lifetime setting yourself up on a moral high horse and then abjectly and utterly fail to live up to your own standards when it matters most, you are going to suffer for it whether you were actively complicit or just made a big, huge mistake, there, there's my stone. moving on) Anyway, the details that come out will turn rocks that absolutely need to be turned, and hopefully excise a cancer that harmed so many.

I've never really been part of the "Penn State family" despite being an alum. It's just not something I ever felt extremely strongly about. I did, however, get a top-notch education there for way less than it could have cost, met a lot of fantastic friends, met my boyfriend of currently 14 years, and had a very positive experience over my five years there.

That said, plenty of horrible things have happened at Penn State. Rapes, tragic deaths, riots, murders. In September 1996, about 200 yards away from my dorm room, a woman sat herself in the bushes of the HUB building with a rifle and opened fire on the lawn. Few people reading this will know or remember the name Jillian Robbins. She's serving 30 to 60 in Muncy for the attack. Few people reading this will remember Melanie Spalla. She was shot in the back and killed, and nothing will ever EVER be able to fix that. She was a 21-year-old journalism major, walking along the western fence of the lawn on her way to class on a September morning. She could have been me, if I'd had any predilection for early classes in my sophomore year.

People will likely remember Mike McQueary's name long after they've forgotten (if they ever knew) Brendon Malovrh, who leaped into the bushes that morning and did everything in his power to STOP what he saw happening. He lived in my dorm. From what I know and recall, he was absolutely in shock about what had happened that morning. And we had to go on lockdown because reporters were literally trying to climb through windows to get an "exclusive interview" with him.

Even I remember the incidents, and the faces, and some of the names, but I had to look up the specifics. It was 15 years ago, after all.

Group "solidarity" motions always make me uncomfortable, but I will not villify those for whom they help. If alumni want to raise money for RAINN, it can only help. If students want to pray before a football game, let them pray. I will change the channel if I don't want to watch, if it only makes me think bad things. The truth is, these students did NOTHING WRONG. They believed in the good intentions of a higher institution and it failed them. Nothing new there. The media always wants to make things into "stories", which means that they always simplify things, and the rest of the world shakes their heads and says "here they go again." People want bite-sized chunks but we know the truth. It's ridiculous to talk about "healing" a week after the fact. The hurt that students and alums of the university feel is obviously nothing compared to what the victims endured. And a football game isn't going to make it all better. The announcers, all the talking heads in college football are so freaking far out of their comfort zones talking about this that it would be really funny, if it weren't absolutely horrifying.

(Society is funny; we are told to place our trust in things greater than ourselves--the team, the institution, the government, others--and then are surprised when those things fail. As I get older I see the draw of religion in ways I never did when I was younger. Absolute faith in God is faith something that by definition can never ever fail you. It must be nice, but I think I missed the boat on that one.)

Armchair psychiatrists can wax forever about why people don't report crime when they see it. Here is what is important, here is what you can do about it as an individual: remember this story and think about what you will do if you ever are confronted with such a situation. Not "would have" done. Not "if I were a big strong quarterback" or "if I were a coach" or "if I had a friend who...". Those people made their choices and children suffered for it. And more so, the specifics of their exact situation are not going to be repeated. So, make a contract to do what you would be able to live with. Whether it's answerable to God, or to your family or to the victim or to the reaction if your actions were written up and posted on the world's bulletin board. Or just to yourself and to who you believe you are as a person. All of the above. The answer should be pretty obvious. And then if the situation arises, DO IT.

Everyone says "there needs to be a law" at the same time that everyone thinks "I wouldn't need a law!" Anyone can say what they would have done but it's wasting air; it is meaningless if they don't follow through when the horrific opportunity presents itself to them.

Anyway, this post is probably more for me than anyone else. At the same time I feel like I should write something to show that I'm not ignoring the issue, but I don't want it to seem self-serving. Not sure if I'll put it up under anything except "private". If I do, I'll leave comments open but I can't promise long discussions. It's not because I'm ignoring the issues or don't know about them. I'm as informed as one can be, and as you can imagine, my facebook network (full of PSU alums) has quite exploded over what happened. I've spent a lot of time talking about it online there and in RL, reading articles, thinking about it, and trying to come to terms with it so I can set it aside and move on. If anyone is interested, I think that in terms of the media, Sara Ganim of the Harrisburg Patriot News is (and has been) presenting good information, even if it of course has the usual local-news-report feel to it at times. The initial reports that the P-N ran on the hush-hush grand jury investigation apparently also reached some other victims who came forward to testify, so that is a very good thing.

Comments

[gunhilda.livejournal.com]

It's a thoughtful post, thanks for sharing.

How could this happen? Well, that's silly. It's all very human, you know? People are capable of doing horrible things with a smile, but most of us aren't programmed to suspect our leaders, friends, and acquaintances of doing horrible things with a smile. Unfortunately, sadly, we should, because throughout the history of mankind, men in power have abused that power to commit crimes. Not all powerful people lose their moral compass, but it shouldn't surprise us when it happens, either.

I guarantee that Penn State isn't the only university hiding sordid secrets.

[eve11]

People are capable of doing horrible things with a smile, but most of us aren't programmed to suspect our leaders, friends, and acquaintances of doing horrible things with a smile.

The thing that infuriates me is the level of denial that some people exist in, to the point that you know it can't be a whole, healthy rational mind that is behind those actions. Would it be easier if we could say "Evil monster!" as opposed to "sick, deluded, person"? At the same time there has to be a corner of that person's mind that says, "no, no, sorry, you KNOW this is wrong. You're an adult; act like one." I think one of Amendola's (Sandusky's lawyer) lines was something to the effect of "Aw, Jerry's just a big overgrown kid." Ef that shit. It reeks of the creepier parts of creepy guy fandom, and even most of those people know the difference between fantasies that don't hurt anyone and actions that do.

I guarantee that Penn State isn't the only university hiding sordid secrets.

In fact there is already a related story coming out of the Citadel. And it probably spans more than athletics too. Academics are quick to paint this with the "Not like me!" brush because it's an evil sports program that is a cash cow, and thus for some reason populated by people who are Not As Smart as the rest of us ivory-towerites. Hate to remind you all, but Joe Paterno went to Brown. He was a classics major. Old fashioned, sure (at least now when we watch PSU games we won't have to listen through the list of "things JoePa is older than"... omg sliced bread! the reporters will have to get new material), but he wasn't stupid. And he was either completely duped or complicit.

Anyway it reminds me of that repugnant article by Ben Stein that suggests that rich people and people in power just don't do that kind of thing because they don't tend to be criminals because we never see people like that get convicted of violent crimes. Really. "Can anyone tell me of any heads of nonprofit international economic entities who have ever been charged and convicted of violent sexual crimes?" Well, Mr. Stein, here's the head of a non-profit charity who will soon be convicted of sexual crimes against children. Is he really that much of an anomaly? Don't play the statistics game when you KNOW your observations suffer from immense levels of reporting bias, fuckhead. (Economists know jack about statistics anyway, they think multiple linear regression solves 90% of the world's problems and the rest are solved by a logit transformation.) Right, that got a bit sidetracked...

[gunhilda.livejournal.com]

"Aw, Jerry's just a big overgrown kid."

That comment made my blood boil.

[westwindschild.livejournal.com]

"Can anyone tell me of any heads of nonprofit international economic entities who have ever been charged and convicted of violent sexual crimes?"

Is he serious?! That kind of stupidity just needs to be stomped on til it's unrecognizable, then picked up and revived so it can be stomped on some more.

[westwindschild.livejournal.com]

Sara Ganim's reporting has been very good. I usually can't read more than a few lines of coverage on this kind of crime, and sadly there is all too much of it to report on, but her writing has been very readable, and has consistently demonstrated restraint in favor of actually presenting a real report instead of endless speculation and finger-pointing.

I don't remember ever hearing about the 1996 incident. What a horrible thing, and it must have been terrifying for you and other students on campus while it was going on, and it is probably a sign of your own good mental health that you had to look it up to remember the details. The young man who did leap into the bushes to stop her was truly heroic and his actions were extraordinary. Please tell me that somewhere on campus there is a plaque commemorating his unselfish bravery. But if there were others present who witnessed the incident and ran away or stood by and let someone else handle it, that doesn't make them participants in her crime. Heroism is not perhaps as rare as we tend to think, but it is far from run of the mill.

Your analysis is predictably right on target. It took me quite a while to sort my thoughts - it is such a big, big thing to assimilate - and the sorting continues, but I'm pretty much in line with what you say here. I'm sorry to see posts that express shame at being a Penn Stater - the University is so much more than the deplorable actions (or inactions) of a few gutless officials, and a degree from Penn State still means something. A terrible thing happened, and I am sad about it; I feel bottomless sorrow for the victims and there families, but that doesn't make me think we should raze PSU or cancel their sports program, or heap ashes on every Penn Stater's head. Life should go on - students should continue to show their school spirit, the football team should play, our hearts should be lifted by inspirational things, and we should look for and treasure the joy the world holds for us.

I'm also sorry to see the school's attempts to erase every trace of Joe Pa from campus and from the school's history. For 46 years, he built a legacy, and earned a reputation as a decent guy. I can see being reluctant to believe something so heinous of a person he considered a friend and saw as a good man. Forty-six years of good doesn't wash away the bad, but it certainly should still count for something. As for McQueary, add that it was someone he considered a mentor as well, and I can see agonizing over what to do and I can wrap my head around how he ended up handling it how he did. I don't condone his and Paterno's inaction, but I sure as heck don't see them as the villains of the piece. It wasn't them in the showers shoving it into a little boy, and it wasn't them deciding that the best thing to do about the shower incident was to tell Sanduskey "just don't do it here on campus, okay?" then pretend it never happened. Sanduskey - that piece of shit can die as soon as possible, please, and no tears from me. Curley, Spanier et al - NIMBY? Really? Even as an environmental approach it is despicable, but in a case involving someone preying on innocent children, words fail me to express the degree of loathsomeness they represent. I don't know how they can live with themselves. Maybe a couple decades in prison on the receiving end of such attentions will give them a better idea of why what they did was so wrong.

[eve11]

The shooting was more surreal than terrifying. It was over very quickly; she only fired 5 shots, and all of it took place before I'd even woken up. So it was definitely a memento mori, like passing a bad accident on the highway. We have Brendon to thank that it wasn't way worse.

Forty-six years of good doesn't wash away the bad, but it certainly should still count for something.

For JoePa but not for Sandusky, I suppose. And therein lies the crux; the people who say "not seeing it" or "disbelieving it" or even covering it up is morally equivalent to the act itself are the ones who are shouting the loudest. But at the same time, I would be wary right now to jump to Paterno's defense. Yes, he had a legacy and is a stand-up citizen, but no, the grand jury report does not tell the whole story, not by a mile, and as I said, the "he didn't realize/didn't know/was duped by a pedophile like the rest of us" is one angle and is the one that I think alumni are more willing to embrace or give him the benefit of the doubt than "he was actively complicit in covering up Sandusky's behavior and absolutely knew that Sandusky was molesting kids, or at the least had enough information that he should have guessed and pressed the issue further with either Sandusky or with police."

I think that right now, Paterno's name is radioactive because of the fallout from this, but it's a gut reaction that may still have a chance to soften. If the "benefit of the doubt" story is true, and Paterno just made a huge mistake, I think his legacy will rebound from it eventually. Sadly, possibly not within his lifetime :( But, what happens if it comes out that Paterno downplayed events to the police, or that within the week between McQueary talking to Paterno and McQueary talking to police, Paterno learned exactly what happened and then told Schultz and Curley to downplay it? Then do you include him in your NIMBY statements? What happens to forty-six years in that case? Alums are more willing than others to disbelieve that angle outright but it is plausible, though I'll admit not as plausible as milder forms. After all, Sandusky was an inspirational stand-up guy before these allegations broke.

In light of the facts that are in the grand jury report, saying "JoePa just made a mistake and was duped or in denial" is still within the realm of speculation. But so is saying, "JoePa absolutely knew that Sandusky was raping children and he turned a blind eye!" The truth will come out in the investigation. The bottom line is, that Curley and Schultz were charged because the grand jury believed that they perjured themselves while testifying. They believed McQueary's testimony that he told them exactly what he had seen, and also Paterno testified that he had told at least Curley that Sandusky was "fondling or doing something of a sexual nature to a child." In light of that testimony, which they found credible, they decided that Curley and Schultz were lying when they testified that (a) they had never been told there was anything sexual involved in the incident, (b) they thought the allegations were "not that serious" and (c) they had no indication that a crime had occurred.


ETA: Life should go on - students should continue to show their school spirit, the football team should play, our hearts should be lifted by inspirational things, and we should look for and treasure the joy the world holds for us.

Spot on and amen :)

[westwindschild.livejournal.com]

As I said, I'm still sorting out my thoughts on the subject. Your points are valid, and I am having a good bit of internal conflict over the whole thing. I don't know how much of the conflict is simply because I've been in the habit of seeing JoePa in one light for so many years, and maybe my slow-moving thought process needs more time to turn around. Or maybe I've failed to grasp some vital concept most everyone else already sees, and "innocent until proven guilty" doesn't apply here. As a non-alum, and a lifelong Buckeye fan, I don't have any particular "brand-loyalty" to Paterno; if it is proved that he was actively complicit in or actually instrumental in creating the coverup, then I will have no sympathy for him either and he can rot in jail too. But my own powerful desire to not think about it, to believe it can't be so and to wish it would all go away, with regards to a person I don't even know but have merely thought of as a decent guy for many years, does make it possible for me to believe that those same things came into play for Paterno regarding someone he had been close to, so I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Which should mean I'm willing to reserve judgment on Curley and Schultz too, but that's a harder sell for me. As I said, still processing. And hardly consistent. But it's where I am.

[eve11]

Understood. :) It's the same boat I'm in, I think. For me, I have to hope for the best and then acknowledge that I don't have enough information to do anything more than speculate. And I'm through speculating; it's just churning through the same facts and trying to figure out what's under them without enough information to know for sure. So it's not useful and if and when more information comes to light, I'll pay attention. But for now, as I said, I have to trust that the beds that were made will be lain in, and that the powder keg will settle down eventually.