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eve11Note: This was produced using Neo's script to Biogenesis, found on Tiny Dancer's xf site, and some of the descriptions are cut straight from Neo's. I hope Neo doesn't mind. Thanks for making scripts available so I didn't have to type it all out! And, some of the lines won't actually fit in the real time dialogue, but pretend they do! MSTing fast-paced shows is tough.
X-files characters are property of 1013 productions. MST3K characters are property of Best Brains, incorporated. Various MASHEO members are property of nobody, and are used here without permission (evil grin).
By Eve11
[THEME MUSIC]
[We ascend through six doors onto the Satellite of Love, finally ending up in the normal, haphazard control room with blinking lights and gray, honeycomb walls. TOM SERVO (a red robot with a gumball machine for a head) and CROW (a gold robot with a head made out of a lacross helmet and bowling pin) are at the front table, in the midst of a heated debate.]
TOM: No, Crow! You don't understand. We're not going just on names here.
CROW: Of course not! But I still think it would work.
[TOM gets a little agitated, bouncing his spring arms up and down]
TOM: They're not even close! He was the Shaggy dog, for crying out in the beer!
CROW (ponders): What if we crossed him with Bruce Lee?
[TOM gets flustered and starts yelling. MIKE NELSON (a normal guy) comes in, in his usual cheerful, oblivious manner]
MIKE: Hey guys, what's up? What's all the shouting?
TOM (whining): Mike, tell Crow that Tommy Kirk is no poor man's Tommy Lee Jones.
MIKE: What?
CROW: You know, Mike. You're making a movie, you want Tommy Lee Jones for a part, but you can't afford to pay him. Who would you get instead?
MIKE: Oh, that's an easy one, Crow. Steve Railsback.
TOM: Ha! Told you so, Crow. Even Mike knows it's Steve Railsback.
CROW: You're sure you wouldn't want Tommy Kirk?
MIKE: Hmmm, mediocre 60's teen heartthrob versus sci-fi star of "Lifeforce" and "The Visitor?" Not to mention Duane Barry in the X-files? Crow, it's not even a choice!
CROW: What if we crossed Tommy Kirk with Bruce Lee?
TOM: Don't start that, Crow!
MIKE: No.
CROW: Jeffrey Jones?
MIKE and TOM: No!
CROW: Jamie Leigh Curtis?
MIKE and TOM: NO!
CROW (slyly): Al Gore? They were roomates, you know.
[Mike and Tom start to say 'No' again, but stop . . .]
MIKE: Hmmm . . .
[A red light blinks]
MIKE (snapping out of his thought): Uh-oh, the peanut gallery is calling.
[MIKE taps the light, and we switch to PEARL FORRESTER's evil mansion. PEARL (an evil scientist), BRAIN GUY (a white-faced alien), and BOBO (an ape a la "Planet of the Apes") are entertaining guests. The guests look pretty normal at first, but as we zoom in, we notice they are acting . . . well, they're acting a little mad and stupid.
We soon recognize a few MASHEO regulars. EVE11 and BRAIN GUY are having a conversation in the corner. MARY P., MARY-ANNE, and BOBO are sitting at the bar, where MARY P. is pouring drinks. MASHEO GREG and MELANIE are at the table, intently focused on an object we can't see yet. PEARL comes to the screen. BRIANNA L. is next to her, checking notes on a clipboard.]
PEARL: Well, hi, Mike. We've invited our neighbors from the forest over for the evening. Their philosophy is that Mulder and Scully Hate Each Other, and their leader gave me a great idea for your experiment today.
TOM (flabbergasted): What? Hate? Are they stupid?
[cut to EVE and BRAIN GUY]
BRAIN GUY: . . . and that would help me send the movies faster?
EVE: Sure! The F.F.T. gives big-oh of n log n. All you have to do is reduce by enough finite fields modulo p and use the chinese remainder theorem to reconstruct your coefficient in a base twice as big as your upper bound . . .
BRAIN GUY (following, sort of): Twice as big?
EVE (laughs): Of course! We're bounded in absolute value!
[BRAIN GUY nods thoughtfully, and we cut back to PEARL and BRIANNA]
BRIANNA: Our stupidity is of a singular persuasion. And you're going to help us refine it. As Director of All MASHEO News, it is up to me to catalogue your experiences.
[BRIANNA jots down some notes using a lime-colOUred highlighter]
CROW: My god! Are they insane?
[cut to BOBO, MARY P. and MARY-ANNE]
BOBO: I don't know, Mary P. I have to agree with Mary-Anne here. They really should get together. I mean, they're in love, right? It makes sense, even if you do hate Scully.
MARY-ANNE (triumphantly): Yes! I knew it! Finally, someone here agrees with me. (conspiratorally) You saw "Triangle," right?
[BOBO nods.]
MARY P. (hands MARY-ANNE a pina colada with a cute little umbrella): Mary-Anne, I hate to tell you this, but you're agreeing with an ape named "Bobo." That certainly doesn't add any credibility to your position.
[MARY-ANNE sighs a deep, long-suffering sigh, and takes the drink.]
MARY-ANNE (sips): I can't win, can I?
MARY P.: No, but don't worry dear! We love you anyway. Now, about "Triangle . . ."
[cut to PEARL and BRIANNA]
PEARL: Their leader is wack-o enough to be considered for the Mad Scientist Guild. Of course, if their goals were the same as mine . . .
BRIANNA: To take over the world, that is.
PEARL: Yes, well, if that were the case, I'd have to destroy them. But for some reason, all they care about is proving that Mulder and Scully hate each other.
MIKE: Ah. Uh-huh. And who is this illustrious leader of theirs?
BRIANNA (points to the table): Why, that's him over there.
[cut to MASHEO GREG and MELANIE. They are still seated, crouching over the table. They appear to be in deep concentration, but when we look closer, we see that they are furiously pounding away at an object we still can't see. The camera pans around . . .]
MELANIE (slams fist down): And that's for that stupid note!
GREG (rapidly pounding in non-stop succession): And that's for that damn llama joust!
[ . . . and we see a Rock'em Sock'em Robots game. Both robots are wearing miniature trench coats. MELANIE's robot is orange, shorter than GREG's, and is wearing what looks like a little red wig. GREG's robot is blue and has a completely blank expression on its face. MELANIE and GREG are pounding at the controls, meting out plastic carnage to the two toys in the ring. MELANIE's robot gives a particularly strong jab to GREG's robot, and the blue head flies off. GREG gives the game one last pound and sits back.]
GREG: Well, that answers that, I guess. He's just no match for her Irish spitfire. (points to the game) Clinical tests prove it.
MELANIE: Ummm . . .
GREG: What?
MELANIE: You didn't have a chance. I replaced your control springs with peanut butter.
GREG: What!?
MELANIE: I had to! It's the answer to everything!
[GREG shakes his head and opens the game panel to reveal a gooey mess. He replaces the panel with a frown.]
GREG: Well, now we're going to have to start all over . . .
[cut back to PEARL and BRIANNA]
BRIANNA: Okay, so you got him on a bad day. But, anyway, we are going to test our theory of hatred out on three non-biased individuals, and gauge your reactions to further our studies.
TOM: I don't like the sound of this . . .
PEARL: Your experiment today, Mike, is the X-files season 6 finale, "Biogenesis."
MIKE and 'BOTS: Nooooo!
BRIANNA: And if the results aren't good, we'll sit you through "The Sixth Extinction" AND "Amor Fati," too! (sighs) As soon as I get to see them.
MIKE and 'BOTS: Noooooooooo!
[PEARL gives an evil laugh. BRIANNA laughs too, only not quite so evilly.]
PEARL: Enjoy!
BRIANNA: Belive in the Hate!
[cut to S.O.L.]
MIKE (bewildered): Believe in the . . . ?
[lights flash, klaxons sound and there is general chaos]
ALL: . . . Movie siiiiiign!!
[We enter the theater with MIKE and the 'BOTS. On screen is the normal X-files episode, except at the bottom of the screen is the silhouette of movie theater seats, three of which, in the bottom right corner of the screen, are occupied (from L. to R.) by TOM SERVO, MIKE, and CROW.]
[on screen, we see the Earth]
SCULLY (vo): From space, it seems an abstraction, a magician's trick on a darkened stage.
MIKE: Yeah, whatever!
[SCULLY continues. Now, we are quickly panning over an ocean.]
TOM: Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Sam Beckett . . .
[SCULLY's voice over cuts him off]
TOM: Rats.
[SCULLY continues, droning on about nature and extinction]
CROW: Ummm, Mike, did we get the right movie?
SCULLY (vo): . . . their decimations, Earth's fourth and fifth great extinctions.
TOM: But what Earth really wants to do is direct.
[SCULLY goes on through the history of man]
CROW: Are you sure we've got the right movie?
SCULLY (vo): . . . all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life.
MIKE: Oooh, I bet this was banned in Kansas.
[SCULLY continues]
[We see crashing waves on the seashore]
SCULLY (vo): Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion --
CROW (harshly): Hi, I'm the ocean, and I say, "Yes!"
SCULLY (vo): into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already upon us?
[There is a sudden close-up of a black man, shouting in Swahili]
ALL (surprised): Aaa!
[The man and others stare at an artifact buried in the sand]
SCULLY (vo): Or will the mystery be revealed . . .
CROW: She's still talking?!
SCULLY (vo): through a sign . . . a symbol . . . a revelation?
TOM: Sign.
CROW: Symbol.
MIKE: Nope, you're both wrong. It's a revelation, I'm sure.
[Opening credits]
TOM: Hmmm, four billion years in two minutes. Chris Carter is the re-cap God!
[Cut to beach scene, with various workers. IVORY COAST -- WEST AFRICA appears on the screen]
TOM: Not Los Angeles.
MIKE: Of course not.
[DR. MERKMALLEN is at a table, working on something. He is called away to the shore, and runs there.]
TOM: oooh, ah, hot, hot sand . . .
[pan to artifact, then back up to MERKMALLEN ,looking concerned.]
CROW (Merkmallen): Get the decoder ring.
[cut to an office: UNIVERSITE COTE D'IVOIRE appears on screen]
TOM: Still not Los Angeles.
MIKE: That's enough of that.
TOM: Party pooper.
[MERKMALLEN goes to a locked cabinet and takes out a leather wrapped package]
CROW: Whoa, he's got an ancient burrito, perfectly preserved!
[MERKMALLEN opens the package to reveal another artifact.]
TOM: Nope, it's peanut brittle. Mmmm.
[He places the two artifacts side by side, and they fuse together and sail across the room, slicing a bible almost in half.]
MIKE (in Minnesota accent): Ah, gee, now there's somethin' ya don't see every day.
CROW (accent as well): Ah, yeah, back when I was with the Gideons, ya had to plan for that kind of thing, dontcha know? Demonic possession was reeley big, especially in tha midwest.
[He retrieves the artifact, while in the credits, "PRODUCER: JOHN SHIBAN" appears.]
TOM: Aaaa! Not El Chupacabra!
CROW: Relax, Servo. It's okay. Shiban didn't write this one.
TOM: Whew. Okay, we're safe.
[MERKMALLEN retrieves the artifact and puts it on the table, where it begins spinning around slowly. Then it speeds up. MERKMALLEN stops it with his hand.]
MIKE (Merkmallen): Left foot blue . . . no! Right hand green? I'll never figure this out.
[MERKMALLEN heads for the phone]
MERKMALLEN: Yes, get me the international operator, please. I need to place a call to the United States.
TOM: We're sorry, the US is on vacation right now. Would you like to talk to Canada?
[pan to the bible verse: "And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth . . ."]
[Cut to a plane landing. DULLES INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT -- THREE DAYS LATER appears on screen.]
CROW: Mike, what does "Be fruitful and multiply" mean?
MIKE: Ummm . . . I'll tell you when you're older.
CROW: Does it have anything to do with Mulder and Scully getting it on?
MIKE and TOM: NO!!!
CROW: Does it--
MIKE: Just watch the movie.
[Cut to American University, where MERKMALLEN asks two university students how to get to the biology department.]
MIKE: He goes through 4 billion years of evolution in the teaser, and yet wastes an entire scene on asking for directions. TOM: Go figure.
[From an upstairs window, a man looks on, watching MERKMALLEN head for the bio department. The man turns and moves past some monkey cages.]
CROW (Charleton Heston): A planet where apes evolved from man?
TOM (commercial announcer): When Gene Hackman turns you down, turn to Michael Ensign.
CROW: Or Tommy Kirk.
TOM: NO!
[The man stops at a monkey cage.]
MIKE: Hey, it's the Ebola Monkey from "Outbreak!"
TOM: Nice to see he can still find work on a visa.
[The man puts his hand to the cage, petting the monkey]
CROW (monkey): Can it, buster! I'm calling I.N.S.!
[The man opens the door for MERKMALLEN] MERKMALLEN: Dr. Sandoz? (extends his hand)
TOM (Merkmallen): Pull my finger.
MERKMALLEN: Professor Sandoz, I'm Soloman Merkmallen.
MAN: Dr. Merkmallen, my God, I thought something happened to you.
MERKMALLEN: Oh, did you not get my message? We were delayed in Frankfurt.
[The man stops for a beat, and there is silence.]
TOM (faux Sandoz): Ah . . . I'm not evil!
MAN: Look, the important thing is you're here and you're safe.
MERKMALLEN: Yes.
TOM (faux Sandoz): Whew. Almost had me there!
MAN: You brought me something, this, uh, discovery of yours . . .
MERKMALLEN: Yes.
[They move into the lab]
TOM (faux Sandoz): Just calmly walking. Not an imposter.
MAN: I'm quite anxious to see it.
CROW: In this darkened lab, with no witnesses around.
MERKMALLEN: I was concerned I might be relieved of it in customs. There was some trouble with the X-ray machine in Germany.
[They sit at a table.]
MAN: What kind of trouble did you have?
MERKMALLEN: I told you of its power.
MIKE: The power of Grayskull?
MAN: Yes, of course.
MERKMALLEN: My credentials were the only thing that prevented me from being further detained.
CROW (Merkmallen): That, and my smooooth lovin'.
TOM (Merkmallen): And my savvy internet know-how!
MIKE (Merkmallen): And my kickboxing skills!
[Dr MERKMALLEN removes the bundle and unwraps it on the table. In the background, the monkeys go wild. There is a close-up of a monkey screaming]
CROW (as the monkey): No! This episode is going to ruin my career!
[monkeys climb at cages]
CROW (still as the monkey): Call my agent! Get me outta here!
MERKMALLEN: I can't explain how it is but the two pieces have become one. I was hoping they'd match the piece that you've found, so that you might see for yourself its magic.
TOM (sings): Oh, oh, oh, it's magic!
MAN: Have you had any luck reading it? [Dr. MERKMALLEN looks up with the expression of realization.]
MERKMALLEN: You're not Dr. Sandoz, are you? [A moment later, the man lunges at MERKMALLEN, as we cut away to see the monkeys going wild in their cages.]
TOM: Congratulations! Thank you for playing. Your prize is a grisly death!
[Outside the lab, in a stairwell as a man, DR. SANDOZ, heads up the steps.]
TOM: Ladies and Gentlemen, comedian Larry Miller!
MIKE: No, it's not.
CROW: Well, he can't expect us to take him seriously in that tie.
MIKE: I'm telling you, it's not him.
[Hearing the monkeys, DR. SANDOZ hurries to the lab]
TOM (Larry Miller): Hello? Hello? I used to be on the "A-list." Hello?
[Music plays that quasi-African wailing first heard in "Teliko," and TOM and MIKE imitate the sound.]
[Dr. SANDOZ finds Dr. MERKMALLEN laying in a pool of blood, dead.]
TOM (Sandoz): (whines like a little puppy)
CROW (Sandoz): Oooh, I'm gonna get smacked with the rolled up newspaper for this one . . .
[SANDOZ hurries out of the lab.]
[Cut to FBI HEADQUARTERS WASHINGTON, D.C.] ALL (unenthusiastically): Yay.
AD SKINNER: A case like this I, of course, thought of your obvious interest, Dr. Merkmallen's views and theories being what they were.
CROW (old republican voice): Total garbage!
[We finally catch a glimpse of our intrepid duo, seated in separate chairs].
CROW: About time they showed up.
TOM: Right on time! One dead body and commercial break!
AD SKINNER: I believe Agent Mulder is familiar with his work.
SCULLY: Dr. Solomon Merkmallen, professor of Biology, University of Ivory Coast.
[cut to MERKMALLEN's picture in the dossier]
TOM (as photograph): Hello, that's me.
AD SKINNER: He flew in yesterday from Africa. Two hours later he was apparently murdered at American University. His body is missing but there was enough blood found on the floor to make a fair assumption.
MIKE: Oh, we've heard that one before, sir!
[SKINNER continues . . . blah blah blah . . . Steven Sandoz . . . blah]
MULDER: Both men aspire to a fringe theory called "Panspermia", it's the belief that life originated--
SCULLY: . . . elsewhere, in this universe.
MIKE: Ooh, I see it! Sparks of hatred, right there!
AD SKINNER: You've heard of this?
TOM (Skinner): This hatred theory? Maybe it is right. . .
SCULLY: Yeah, it's the idea that Mars, or other planets . . .
[SCULLY gives MULDER a look]
MIKE: There it is again!
SCULLY: . . . were habitable long before Earth, and that, uh, cosmic collisions on these planets blasted microbes into our solar system, some of which landed and flourished here.
CROW (Charleton Heston): A planet where men evolved from Mars?
AD SKINNER: You'd accept that as plausible?
CROW (Charleton Heston): A planet where . . .
TOM (interrupting): Quit it!
SCULLY: Well, almost any scientist would, theoretically, I mean, it's just a theory, that's about it though. You don't think this has anything to do with his death, do you?
MIKE (Skinner, laughing): Of course not! I just wanted to waste your time.
AD SKINNER: Dr. Merkmallen found an artifact in his country . . . [hands Scully a piece of paper] This is a rubbing of that artifact. He claimed it contained a message, not only of his Mars theories, but the very meaning of human existence.
SCULLY: Much less plausible...
MIKE (Scully): (hisses, like an upset cat)
CROW (Mulder): Shove it, Scully.
MULDER: Dr. Sandoz, the man he'd come to meet, made a similar claim in a science journal. . .
[MULDER gives SCULLY a look]
TOM (Scully): Bite me, Mulder.
MULDER: He said he'd found an artifact that was almost identical to that with similar writings on it.
SCULLY: And what was *it* supposed to say?
MIKE (Mulder): I think it was, "I hate you -- you are all mad and stupid."
MULDER: Well, we'd have to ask Dr. Sandoz that.
SCULLY: Well, why don't we?
MULDER: We can't, he's missing.
[SCULLY fixes MULDER with a lovely MASHEO stare]
CROW: Doh! Zinged her.
MIKE: She always falls for that. No wonder she hates him.
[Cut to an elevator. MULDER and SCULLY enter. They have a mundane little conversation about police matters and all. MULDER messes with the rubbing.]
CROW: Mike, fix his hair, will you?
[MIKE stands up and bats at MULDER's hair.]
MIKE: Didn't help. He still looks like a total doof.
[The elevator door opens and ten people get on. As Mulder looks at the rubbing of the artifact, he hears a high-pitched ringing that drowns out Scully's voice.]
CROW: Ah, I love the sound of band saws in the morning.
MIKE (bewildered Mulder): Harper Collins . . . market value . . . huh?
[The people get off the elevator, leaving just the two of them, and the ringing subsides.]
SCULLY: There has to be some limit to your interest... I mean, this endless pursuit of the truth, Mulder, it just... it doesn't make any sense to me now. Mulder? Did you hear a word of what I just said?
MIKE (Mulder): Stall . . . stall . . . c'mon brain, gimme a good excuse.
MULDER: No.
MIKE: Darn.
SCULLY: No? Well maybe you didn't want to hear it.
CROW: Maybe he didn't want to talk about his deep-rooted personal quest on a crowded elevator.
MULDER: No . . . I couldn't hear it.
[The elevator stops at the bottom level and Mulder gets off, handing the rubbing to Scully.]
TOM (Mulder): Here, you take this. I'm going for a latte.
SCULLY: Mulder. Look, after all you've done, after all you've uncovered . . . a conspiracy of men doing human experiments . . .
TOM: A new site for internet porn . . .
SCULLY: . . . men who are all now dead, you exposed their secrets.
MIKE: Ken Starr would be proud.
SCULLY: I mean, you won. What more could you possibly hope to do or to find?
MULDER: My sister.
CROW and MIKE: Duh!
TOM (Scully): Oh, well, there's that, I suppose.
[Cut to outdoor scene. AMERICAN UNIVERSITY 11:42 AM shows up on screen MULDER and SCULLY approach the building outside.]
TOM: So let me get this straight. After watching those two scenes, some people still have doubts that Mulder and Scully hate each other?
MIKE: I think some people just think they're mad and stupid.
[Inside the lab from the previous night, we see the bloodied object used to kill Dr Merkmallen.]
MIKE: The murder weapon is a giant golf tee?
[MULDER and SCULLY enter the lab.]
SCULLY: I guess I was right about this being a police matter.
TOM: So rub it in, why don't you?
[We see the man who posed as Dr Sandoz. Mulder watches him suspiciously.]
CROW and MIKE: (make territorial growling noises)
[SCULLY talks to a DETECTIVE, who directs her to MULDER and the faux Dr. Sandoz]
MULDER: I'm Fox Mulder with the FBI.
DR BARNES: I'm Dr. Barnes, head of the department.
CROW (Barnes): And I'm guilty! Whew, glad to get that off my chest.
[They shake hands]
DR BARNES: They've asked me to suspend classes and organize interviews with the faculty.
TOM: So why does Michael Ensign always play either a prick or a Maitre D?
MULDER: Any ideas yourself about what happened here?
DR BARNES: There's plenty of speculation...
MULDER: About the missing Dr. Sandoz?
CROW: No, about whether you and your partner are . . . [MIKE reaches over and clamps CROW's mouth shut] mmm mmmmm mmmm . . .
[CROW is still murmuring through the next dialogue.]
DR BARNES: Apart from his laughable ideas, my colleague was capable of almost anything to advance his rather questionable reputation.
[MIKE releases his hold on CROW's beak for a moment]
CROW (brightly): . . . Hitting the hay! Exploring the . . . [MIKE clamps CROW's mouth shut again] . . . mmm mmmmm mmm . . .
SCULLY: Capable of murder?
DR BARNES: Dr. Sandoz's notes are full of talk about an artifact coming over from West Africa . . .
[Over DR. BARNES' boring monologue, MIKE and the 'BOTS are talking]
MIKE (to CROW): Are you done yet?
[MIKE releases CROW again]
CROW: . . . Riding the bed-bike of looove! *ahem* Okay, I'm done now.
TOM: Bed-bike?
MIKE: I think someone needs a time out.
DR BARNES: But like the man who was bringing it, that artifact has yet to be located.
SCULLY: Are you, uh, speaking of this?
TOM: No, that's a piece of paper.
[SCULLY hands DR. BARNES the rubbing, but moments later, MULDER has another episode like the one in the elevator.]
MIKE (bewildered Mulder): . . . profit sharing . . . FX . . . what the . . .?
[MULDER quickly leaves the scene.]
SCULLY: Mulder?
[SCULLY turns her attention back to DR. BARNES]
DR BARNES: Do you know Dr. Sandoz believes this writing is from aliens?
TOM (scholarly): When everyone knows it's from sub-terranian eyeless gnomes.
DR BARNES: These are trivial men. They have no patience for the scientific process. They're happy to read their names in the tabloids. Pseudoscientists, beyond embarassment.
[Out in the hall, MULDER douses himself with water from the water fountain. SCULLY approaches.]
SCULLY: What is it, Mulder?
MULDER (mumbling): I don't know, it's, uh, a hollow noise.
MIKE: Like . . . money, going down the drain.
MULDER: The same thing that happened to me at work in the elevator this morning.
MIKE (Scully, annoyed): So it's an extreme case of petulance?
TOM (Mulder): God, I hate you, Scully.
SCULLY: Do you have a fever?
CROW (sings, sultry): ya give me fever . . .
MIKE (to Crow, threatening): Watch it . . .
MULDER: No. This is going to sound weird but I think it's that thing.
SCULLY: (beat) You're not kidding. [opens the rubbing] It's just a piece of paper.
[The theater recedes into the background during these last lines, and we go to a commercial break]
End Part 1
We've got MASHEO Movie Sign! Part 2
[Aboard the S.O.L., MIKE is calmly eating some cheetos and looking at flight data. Suddenly, TOM SERVO rushes by, talking as he moves across the control room.]
TOM (quickly, agitated): Hi Mike! Fancy meeting you here . . . Me? Oh, nothing, I've been doing absolutely nothing since the break . . . Well gotta go, plenty of hiding places around!
[TOM SERVO leaves. MIKE goes back to reading. A moment later, CROW rushes by, acting just as strangely.]
CROW: Hi Mike! Nope, can't stay, see you later and don't try looking for me either!
[CROW leaves. This is enough to get MIKE's attention, as he puts his papers down and faces the screen with a puzzled look. Then, all of a sudden, we hear PEARL FORRESTER's voice from the intercom.]
PEARL: NELSOOOOOON!
[MIKE cringes, and we cut to PEARL's evil domain, which is swarming with miniature copies of TOM SERVO and CROW. The little doppelgangers are generally running amok. The minibots are chattering, but we can't really tell what they're saying. BOBO runs into view, frantically pawing at the tons of minibots all over him. In the background, he falls to the floor.]
MIKE: Aaaa! [disappears for a moment, and returns dragging protesting 'BOTS into the control room.]
MIKE: What in the Sam heck is going on down there?
PEARL (snarling): You tell me, Nelson! One minute, we're having a nice conversation with our guests, and the next, we're ground zero for the micromachine invasion!
[A miniature CROW stops in front of PEARL, and she kicks it aside. The members of MASHEO are still around, for the most part ignoring the minibots. GREG is checking BRIANNA's notes, while EVE and BRAIN GUY are frantically trying to chase down little copies of CROW and TOM. Meanwhile, we have been joined by PROZACQUEEN, SHARLEY, and RI-CHAN. SHARLEY and PQ are composing a song/cheer, and RI-CHAN is eyeing the S.O.L. feed, enthralled.]
CROW: It was a harmless experiment! We, uh, we don't know what went wrong!
MIKE: What were you doing?
TOM: Web-based distribution, warehousing, assembly line production, and a general wish for lineage and progeny -- all down the drain!
MIKE: Progeny?
CROW: Well, we were wondering what Genesis 1:28 had to do with the movie so far, so we tried an experiment.
TOM: "And God said unto them, be fruitful . . ."
MIKE (groaning): " . . . and multiply."
CROW: Worked like a charm, for a while, but we still couldn't figure out the connection between that and head trauma.
MIKE: I don't know . . . I'm definitely getting a headache.
TOM: Then before we knew it, we were being overrun!
PEARL (angry): Who cares about the backstory? How did they get down here, and what am I supposed to do with them?
TOM: Well, it wasn't us! We stopped multiplying way before now.
RI-CHAN: -^_^- **giggles** {=P}
PQ: Behave, Riiiii!
[In answer, EVE stops chasing the minibots and comes forward.]
EVE: We're working on containment! Brainiac over there messed up the fast fourier transform multiplication algorithm I outlined for him.
BRAIN GUY (from afar): Did not!
EVE: Did so, you dolt, there was no primitive root, and your inverse transform mapped everything back here! [scoffs] Amateurs.
[EVE rushes off to try and contain the minibot explosion.]
RI-CHAN: Yippeyoj! I got teh best idea! Spamming, ken?
PEARL: What?
MIKE: Was that English?
[RI-CHAN, PQ and SHARLEY whisper amongst themselves.]
[Cut to S.O.L., where MIKE and the 'BOTs look on]
MIKE and 'BOTS (lean in closer to the screen): Huh?
[There is a commotion for a few minutes, and we hear shouting and some mechanical noises, then we cut back to PEARL's mansion. The mini-bots are gone!]
MIKE: Whoa! How . . .?
PQ: Worked like a charm, Ri! (to MIKE) I taught all the minibots the official MASHEO cheer.
SHARLEY (closing a small laptop triumphantly): And then I hyperspammed them to the the Haven's discussion board!
PEARL: Ooooh, that is evil!
GREG: With so much genius here, I don't know why you need me at all!
[There is silence for a beat, and then the MASHEO members all flock around GREG, telling him how they appreciate him and in general how wonderful he is. Except for RI-CHAN, who is again staring intently at MIKE and the 'BOTs.]
RI-CHAN: **blushes** {Mai slasher curiosity gets teh best of me} ^_^ Three guys . . . all by their lonesomes . . .
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: Technically, I'm not a guy. . .
RI-CHAN: Did yau ever . . .? -.^ **grin**?
[MIKE and the 'BOTs don't have time to decipher RI-CHAN's entendres, as the klaxons sound off and lights flash again . . .]
MIKE: Movie siiiiign!
[We again join MIKE, TOM SERVO and CROW in the theater]
[In Mulder's basement office, SCULLY and CHUCK BURKS are discussing an overhead projection of the rubbing. SCULLY turns as she hears MULDER approaching.]
MIKE: Square off, and . . .
SCULLY: You're late.
MIKE: . . . (Asian kung fu announcer) fight!
MULDER: I'm sorry, I thought this was *my* office.
TOM: Flouting ego!
CROW (ringside announcer): Round One, Mulder!
CHUCK: Fox. [They shake hands.]
SCULLY: I called Chuck as I knew you would for authentication . . .
[MULDER is strewn with a look of astonishment]
MIKE (gleefully): Emotional manipulation!
SCULLY: . . . and to get his professional opinion of how you say it's affecting you.
CROW (ringside announcer): Round Two, Scully!
CHUCK: Fascinating, Mulder.
MULDER: You don't believe it, Chuck?
CHUCK: No, no. You know me, this is right up my twisted little alley.
TOM: I don't want to know. . .
CHUCK: So, uh, what exactly are you experiencing?
MULDER: Noise, aural dissonance, it comes and it goes.
SCULLY: Is it happening right now? MIKE (quickly, rising excitement): She attacks . . .
MULDER: No . . .
MIKE (painfully): oooh!
MULDER: . . . but it was a few minutes ago.
MIKE: He recovers!
CHUCK: And it's only affecting you?
[MULDER nods.]
CHUCK: Triggered by the rubbing?
[MULDER nods again.]
TOM: A deft parry with unverifiable evidence!
CROW (ringside announcer): Round Three, Mulder!
CHUCK: Wow, that blows me away.
MIKE (low, intense, play by play): Watch out for the double-team . . .
MULDER: Why?
MIKE (excited): He lets down his guard . . . !
SCULLY: Because the rubbing is a fake.
ALL: Doh!
SCULLY: And I'm not the first one to say so.
CROW (ringside announcer): Round Four, Scully! It's an even keel, folks!
CHUCK: The writing is Cree, phonetic Navajo, but no literal interpretation makes any sense.
TOM: Sort of like this episode so far.
SCULLY: And the fact that it was found in Africa makes it all the more suspicious as a fabrication.
MULDER: Suspicious of what?
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: What?
CROW (announcer): And Mulder's still reeling from that last round!
CHUCK: Do you know what a Magic Square is?
MULDER: Yeah, it has to do with the occult.
MIKE: But really, what doesn't?
CHUCK: Right, very cool. They first appear in the ninth century in history, but, uh...
[CHUCK opens the projector and inserts a new slide with a three-by-three square superimposed over the rubbing. He approaches the projection on the wall.]
MIKE: Put your thinking caps on, kids!
CHUCK: ...as the story goes, God himself instructed Adam in their use, and then handed down the secret to all his saints and prophets and wise men as a way of trapping and storing potential power to the person whose name, or numerical correlative exercises that power.
MULDER: That's what this thing is?
MIKE: Mulder's faltering!
SCULLY: Well, that's what someone would have you believe this is.
CROW: Scully's closing in for the kill! She's vicious!
MULDER: How do you know that?
MIKE: He's grasping at straws . . .
SCULLY: As it turns out, neither of us had to go very far to find out. [changes the slide to one of a derisive magazine article by Dr. Barnes] Barnes documented Sandoz's fakery once before.
CROW (ringside announcer): Round Five, Scully by a landslide!
SCULLY: If he was blunt about his colleague when we met him, in here he is down-right brutal. CROW: Aw, she's killing him.
MULDER: Does he back any of that up?
MIKE: Mulder tries to gain ground . . .
SCULLY: Well it's quite scholarly, actually.
TOM: And he's on the mat again!
CROW: Round Six, Scully, and she roars into the lead!
CHUCK: Barnes has made something of a career exposing science and religious fraud. (changes the slide) Name your wonder of the world, he's been there, debunked that.
MIKE (play by play announcer): Mulder needs a brilliant play. . .
MULDER: Yeah, but wouldn't it be in his great interest to hide something that he couldn't disprove with his scholarship?
SCULLY: Well, Mulder, if it were real, then why would an American Indian artifact be fused in rock on the west coast of the African continent?
MIKE (play by play announcer): She's not making it easy. . .
MULDER: In 1996, a rock from Mars from found in Antarctica, how did it get there?
MIKE: Here's the assault!
SCULLY: It was from outer space.
[Mulder throws up his arms triumphantly.]
MIKE and 'BOTs: (cheer)
CROW (ringside announcer): Round Seven, Mulder! What a comeback!
TOM: And the crowd goes wild! What a match!
CHUCK: Begs the question, doesn't it? Why produce a fraud, (changes the slide back to the rubbing) with Navajo writing, in Africa?
[When the slide of the rubbing comes back up, MULDER goes into another episode.]
TOM: Is someone listening to Phillip Glass?
MIKE (bewildered Mulder): . . . stakeholders . . . compensation . . . huh?
[MULDER looks up for a moment]
MIKE (Mulder): Is Carter in on it too . . .?
SCULLY: Mulder? Hey, let's step outside. Step outside.
CROW: Suuure, now that she's losing . . .
[Cut to the hallway. MULDER walks forward slowly, obviously in pain.]
SCULLY: You're in pain.
MULDER: No, no, it's going away.
TOM: I bet he'd feel better if she just went away.
[As they walk, MULDER bumps into a shelf against the wall.]
SCULLY: Mulder, whatever is causing this, I think it needs immediate attention. I'm going to schedule you an imaging scan.
MIKE: What's wrong with his image? "Pouting loner" is in these days.
MULDER: No, I'm okay, I really am.
SCULLY: Mulder, you are not okay. If nothing else, you should be at home, in bed.
CROW (suggestively): Is that a promise?
TOM: Quit it! (whinging) Mike, make him stop!
[MULDER and SCULLY continue talking about Barnes and Merkmallon . . .]
MIKE: I mean it, Crow, you're headed for serious time out.
CROW: C'mon! So it's far fetched and wrong. Servo's the one who writes love songs to turtles!
TOM (sniffing): Leave Tibby out of this!
[[Eve's note: Sorry guys, had to put that original "Gamera" reference in. I love it when Tom Servo sings. I believe the segment in question ended with Crow saying "Do you realize a robot just sang a love song to a turtle, on national television?" or the like :)]]
SCULLY: . . . Well, I hope you're not going to suggest that we arrest him on that rather baseless assumption.
MULDER: No, I'm not. Not until after I show you what he did with the body.
MIKE: If this turns in to "Weekend at Bernie's Three," I'm leaving.
[Cut to SANDOZ RESIDENCE: SILVER SPRING, MARYLAND. Inside a small apartment, we pan past numerous plaques to come to the front door as the LANDLORD opens it for MULDER and SCULLY.]
LANDLORD (in a whiny voice): I been all through the place; you know what you're looking for?
MIKE (laughs): Is he for real?
TOM: Jim Henson's "Joe Pesci Babies."
MULDER: We'll let you know if we find it.
LANDLORD: Ah ... cops have been here too, you know. They couldn't find nothing either. (waves in disgust at the apartment) Feh.
CROW (landlord): And I'm bitter!
MIKE and BOTs: (make various "bahs" or "fehs" a la the landlord)
[As the LANDLORD talks after MULDER, he realizes that Mulder's not listening. He turns to leave, caught by SCULLY.]
SCULLY: We'll, uh, come get you to ...
LANDLORD: (waves her off) Yeah, yeah. (leaves)
MIKE and BOTs: (continue "feh"-ing at the landlord. MIKE waves his arms in a dismissive manner. They are having way too much fun with this guy.)
[In the bedroom, MULDER searches aimlessly, picking up a pillow on the bed.]
TOM : Hey, well there's his sister! She was lost in the covers this whole time!
[MULDER reaches the closet and stoops down to check out a suitcase with numerous baggage-claim tickets on it, then brings it to SCULLY.]
MULDER: Whatever happened to Dr. Sandoz, he certainly liked to fly south for the winter. A lot. (showing the tickets) Gallup, New Mexico, Navajo country.
CROW (landlord voice) Navajos . . . feh!
MIKE (landlord voice) baaaah!
SCULLY: Well, I think I know who he was going to see.
[SCULLY gestures to a picture on the wall of Dr Sandoz with Albert Hosteen, who last appeared in "Paper Clip (3x02)."]
CROW (questioningly): Feh?
MULDER: That's Albert Hosteen.
SCULLY: The World War II code-talker.
TOM: . . . for all of you not following along at home.
MULDER: Maybe he was using him to read the symbols on the artifact.
SCULLY: Or write them.
MIKE: (makes a noise like an arrow being shot and 'thunk'-ing into it's mark)
SCULLY: Mulder, you also said that we'd find a body. Care to make good on that prediction?
[MULDER starts away into the kitchen, gesturing for SCULLY to follow. Inside the kitchen, MULDER covers his nose from an offensive smell.]
MULDER: Scully, you packing any latex?
MIKE (quickly): Not one word, Crow . . .
SCULLY: No, why?
MULDER: Doesn't it smell like somebody forgot to take out the garbage?
MIKE (struggling): Must. . . not . . . resort to . . . bathroom humor . . .
[Instead, MULDER uses a dish towel to pull open the trash compactor bin from under the sink. They both turn away as flies pour out.]
CROW: So I guess Aristotle would call this part Abiogenesis! (silence) . . . 'cause, with the flies . . . spontaneous generation . . . heh heh. . . ah forget it.
[Opening the bag inside, they find the head of Dr Merkmallen.]
SCULLY: Oh, God . . .
MIKE: . . . You Devil! (quickly, like a movie announcer) Starring George Burns.
[Cut to FBI building. Inside we are once again in Assistant Director SKINNER's office.]
AD SKINNER: So you think Dr. Sandoz is innocent?
MULDER: He's afraid for his life because of what he knows and what he has.
TOM: Male pattern baldness?
[SKINNER pushes a copy of the rubbing in front of MULDER.]
AD SKINNER: This?
CROW: The Niemann-Marcus cookie recipe!
MULDER: A genuine artifact. One of several pieces of an unknown whole. Dr. Barnes has one now, too, that's why he killed Solomon Merkmallen.
[Over the previous dialogue, we shift views from MULDER, who is in obvious pain to SCULLY, who looks on.]
TOM (Scully): First he comes to work with a hangover . . .
AD SKINNER: But the way his body was disposed of...
MULDER: Was to incriminate Sandoz. To make him look like the killer.
[we shift to SCULLY again]
TOM (Scully): And now I have to sit through this!
MULDER: It was also to hide something. Something that no one would think to look for, (going into another episode) Scully, could you please tell what your medical exam found in the lab report?
TOM (Scully): Take a tylenol and tell him yourself!
MIKE (Mulder): Bite me!
SCULLY: Parts of his body were missing; his arms, his hands, uh, parts of his vital organs, and his thyroid.
MULDER: All of which would retain tell-tale traces of radiation.
TOM (laughs): Is any of this supposed to make sense?
AD SKINNER: Radiation from what?
CROW (Mulder, triumphantly): My hair!
MULDER: The artifact.
SCULLY: On Agent Mulder's urging, I ran tissue samples through what's called a Charged Particle Directional Spectrometer. Uh, there were traces of a kind of radiation called CGR.
TOM: (Makes general "mmm-hm" noise of understanding.)
MULDER: Cosmic Galactic Radiation, it's a type of radiation that's found only outside our solar system.
TOM: Ah!
AD SKINNER: Agent Scully?
TOM: Hmmm?
SCULLY: I don't know how to explain it, but I feel that we can make an arrest.
MULDER: Oh, forget the arrest, we've got to find these artifacts.
TOM: Nope, still makes no sense.
[MULDER's episode increases in intensity.]
MIKE (Mulder): . . . royalties . . .
AD SKINNER: Agent Mulder?
MULDER: Is there someone else on this case, sir?
AD SKINNER: Excuse me?
MIKE (Mulder): Am I getting shafted?
MULDER: There's someone else on this case - you're not telling me!
MIKE (Mulder): I am! It's FOX -- those pricks are screwing me over!
AD SKINNER: What the hell's he talking about?
MULDER: I hear it, in my head.
SCULLY: Mulder, let's go.
MIKE (Mulder): It says I'd better sue their asses off! What am I doing here?
[MULDER and SCULLY leave the office, slamming the door behind them.]
CROW: So does this mean that the Smoking Man is really named "Cosmic Galactic Bastard?"
SCULLY: Mulder, you're losing it.
MULDER: No, I'm not. Listen to me, he's not telling the truth. I'm hearing people, he's spying on us.
TOM: Did the half-open door behind you give it away?
SCULLY: Mulder, you need to see a doctor.
MULDER: I need to find those artifacts.
SCULLY: I'll find the artifacts, you need to go home right now. Mulder?
[Finally, MULDER agrees and they leave.]
TOM (whining): I need to go home right now too.
CROW: I need to find a higher appreciation for art in all its forms.
MIKE: I need a good stiff drink.
[SKINNER closes the door and crosses to a cabinet which he opens to reveal a surveillance camera.]
TOM: Okay, this web-cam thing is getting out of hand.
[He ejects the tape and slides it across the table to a man in a black trenchcoat: KRYCEK.]
CROW (Skinner, angrily): Here you are, Nano-master. One copy of "The Red Shoe Diaries." Don't drool on it too much.
[KRYCEK takes the tape and leaves.]
CROW (Krycek): And be sure you edited out the commercials this time!
[During the above scene, we are panning out of the theater, following MIKE and the 'BOTs out of the theater to a commercial break.]
End Part 2.
Parts 3 and 4
